"garbage in, garbage out"

I’m making a conscious effort to stop swearing, and to quit obsessing over events/people of the past that bring me down when I so choose to obsess over them. (My success has been limited at best.)

This lack of progress has been frustrating, and unexpected. I don’t spend much time with people who swear anymore, (I’m currently marooned in my office at work, and my closest friends are pretty clean-cut kids,) so I thought the lack of bad influences would make this a cake walk. (One of my favorite games, btw...) No such luck. And, as for making a break with“the trash from the past,” I’m out of certain toxic situations, and the people who pained me are out of the picture... but they still haunt me, and at times, dominate my thoughts.

Today, I figured out why. “Garbage in, garbage out.”  I’ve inadvertently been pumping myself full of everything I’m trying to overcome! There’s a seedy blog I need to quit yesterday, and a social networking site that’s fueling my obsessive streak (perhaps one of my most fascinating, least attractive qualities). And they’ve both gotta go, in varying degrees.

Even though I was watching my mouth, my internal dialogue remained surly. (You know you’re in trouble when you thoughtlessly refer to folks as “nasty bitches” and “skanky hos” in your head.) I ADORE Perez Hilton’s blog, and a friend turned me on to one of his contemporaries, who’s not nearly as funny but twice as inappropriate. I’ve been hooked for about a week, checking his posts multiple times a day, and now – Hallelujah! –  I’ve realised just how poisonous it has become (...and how my obsessive streak has mutated into obsessive compulsions).The blogger is also extremely sarcastic, so it’s as if I’ve been spending hours on end with a catty asshole (excuse me, “A-hole,”) who hates everyone but Rihanna.

You are the company you keep. You lay down with dogs and wake up with fleas... all that... it’s all true. I’ve been pumping myself with his negativity and foul-mouthery, so of course I’m still spewing obscenities!

Moving on, the compulsive obsession with people/past situations that hurt me...  I’ll come clean. I blame facebook. (It’s seriously dangerous!) Truly, a stalker’s wet dream. It’s only so long before the myspace perverts make the switch.I’ve caught myself “checking up” on people, seeing who’s talking to who, who made the first move... searching through pictures, evaluating the “competition”... seriously, SO crazy. So not me. I’m ashamed. And the more I’ve done it, the more I’ve wanted to do it, and the more I’ve allowed it to make me anxious and bring me down.

These are really embarrassing confessions, but maybe, somehow, reading this will help someone see the beast they’re accidentally feeding, and how it’s making them output garbage. Also, maybe it will help me to get my act together... now that I’ve clued you in to my neuroses. A few days ago, I mentioned that I’ve been having bad dreams. (Last night was no exception.) Today... which is good news, in a way... my suspicion was confirmed. When I was a kid, I never had nightmares, and now I KNOW, without a doubt, it’s because Mom didn’t let me watch scary movies or read scary books. My dreams were full of Care Bears and unicorns and fluffy Persian kittens. (Weren’t those the days.) I think I’ll revert back to that. I’m cutting myself off tonight, cold turkey, and I’m hopeful.

Goodness in, goodness out.