1073
viewsBeating the Southern Marriage Mindset
By lucybell, Tuesday, July 7, 2009, 5 commentsAt 25, my brother had been married three years. My mother was a newlywed, after finally settling down with her third fiance...
And here I am, party of one. (Not that I'm beating myself up over it, but for a while there, I figured I'd be married by now, too...)
There are times when I feel a bit like a wedding planner. I have had the supreme privilege (which I say without an ounce of sarcasm,) of being in nine of my dear ones' weddings, and there are a fair few more on the horizon. My date book has become a vital (but crippling) compass for my social life. A shower here, a tea on Sunday, double-booked the evening of August 1st... Less than a year ago, the preponderance of nuptuals put me in a slightly surly mood, but these days I'm embracing the serenity that comes from accepting the inevitable: This is Alabama, and folks marry in their early 20s.
Yet another case in point: A few weekends ago, I was at an engagement party (surprise surprise!) when a (now married w/ kids) friend from high school (whom I hadn't seen in 6 years) commented, "I don't know any single girls anymore." Julie and I gave each other the 'ole side-glance shrug... he was right, after all. Of the fifty or so guests, only four of us weren't taken or headed to the altar.
I get social cues... I see how this Southern marriage mindset is so easy to buy into, especially without realizing it. We see how the majority of others are living their lives, and we unknowingly start yearning to fall into step. (And I'm not saying all the "young marrieds" took the plunge because of pressure, I'm just saying it happens.)
Here's the thing: I'm going to beat it. In fact, the battle's already won! Maybe it's my independent streak, or maybe it's the shattered heart I'm piecing back together in my chest, but nobody's going to make me feel like "the clock's ticking." I know it's vapid blogosphere fluff, but Perez Hilton said something a few days back that smacked me right in the face... "Relationships are for your 30s." And you know what? He's NOT from the SOUTH! I love it.
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5 Comments
right on!
I'm having to deal with that "southern mentality" every day and I've just about had it. And you're right about all of a sudden being trapped into the thought that you're actually yearning for this when you really know you're not. It's a crazy world we women are living in, but we'll survive! Great post!
My hubby and I got married
My hubby and I got married at 23, and neither of us ever really thought we'd get married, ever. For us, it wasn't really social pressure, it was practical. He is in the military, and I wouldn't have been eligible for any of his benefits unless we were married, and at the time, I didn't have any health insurance, so health benefits were a big deal. (And when I became unemployed last year during the whole health fiasco, it was a blessing that I'd kept his insurance as back-up to pay for my chemo!) Not only that, but, if anything happened to him during a deployment or a TDY, the government wouldn't notify me if I wasn't his legal wife; significant others, partners, and commonlaw spouses don't mean a thing to the Department of Defense, and I want to be in the know should anything bad happen. I'll tell you though- it's not just the "southern marriage mentality", it's more like the "southern family mentality". Once you've been married a year or so, you start getting hassled about the whole baby thing. For someone who has never wanted children, it's incredibly annoying. I've been asked the question "So, when do you think you'll start a family" so much that I get downright snarky and bitchy when I answer it now, even if I know the person wasn't asking it to irritate me. It seems like every time I log onto facebook, someone I went to college or high school with is pregnant.
Make life what you want it to be
Your post made me remember
... a day 19 years ago. I was 24 and attending at JC in a small town in Central California. I sat next to two women in my Politics of the Media class. The 21 one year old gal next me was talking about her daughter. The woman behind me said, and I'll never forget this, "Wow, when I was 21 I was married with three kids already."
I'd been married the year before at 23 and our first child wouldn't arrive until two years later. I felt very odd next to these women whose experiences were so different than mine. They had grown up in that small town, while I was from the San Francisco Bay Area. Is it a Southern thing or a small town thing I wonder?
Dawn Maria
www.dawnmaria.com
Doesn't it seem like
Doesn't it seem like weddings and pregnancies are all the rage nowadays? I puzzled over this phenomenon even when I was engaged...I think southern girls have it in their heads that if they don't find somebody in their early 20s (or just straight up in college) then there is a really strong possibility that they won't find anyone since everyone seems to be getting married. Its like..."all of the good ones are taken" to the max. And its depressing....but not nearly as depressing as the first wave of divorces that I'm already hearing about. If all else fails, I'm game for moving--so if you're ever in the market for a nice midwestern boy, maybe he won't mind waiting around for something worthwhile...and maybe he'll have a nice brother. I'm afraid I'm avoiding foreign countries for awhile though...unless we're talking Scotland...
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