The Dark Passenger

I'm in the fight again. My dark passenger that has been with me since middle school has moved back into her seat next to me and is desperately trying to take the wheel from me. My first weapon against her is the awareness of her lonely desolate presence. She tapped me on the shoulder with her cold bony finger from the depths of the back seat two weeks ago when I got the news of the suicide of my friend's nephew.

She whispered to me with her terrible hissing voice, "That should have been you years ago, why are you still here?"

My first response was to ignore the hideous hag. "I've been fighting with you since I was in high school. I refuse to let you win," I told her.

I did okay for a few days and then came Monday. I was alone for most of the day ruminating on my life. I could feel her clawing at me from the backseat. I let it go.

I thought I'd watch a little television. I love House and I read that that particular episode was supposed to be very surprising. Boy was it! Two of the characters (Foreman and 13) volunteered to go to the house of one of the other characters (Kutner) who didn't show up for work that day. They knocked and when they didn't get an answer went into Kutner's apartment. They looked around the living room and kitchen and called for him; but didn't get an answer. 13, a very lovely woman with large entrancing eyes, went into the bedroom. She called for Foreman in a frightened voice and then the camera zoomed in to show a body on the floor with a pool of blood coagulated around it.

"Lovely," hissed the dark passenger. "Why didn't you ever think of getting a gun?"

I continue to resist her baiting. I remind myself that I carry many battle scars from the dark passenger; but, I am in fact still here, still fighting. Many times I temporarily forget why I fight when I am deep in her brutal grasp; but, yet, I continue to defeat her. In many ways it is not unlike alcoholism, one day at a time.

My strategies at the present time are these- my husband's love which is incredibly powerful against her ; the love of my dogs and my love of them; exercise, lots and lots of cardio especially outside if I can do it (because she fears the light) and now writing on this blog! I keep adding to my arsenal because the dark passenger is a powerful force.

I'm reticent to include my friends and some close family members in my fight. Most people don't want to listen to you talk about dark, negative thoughts even if they love you.

I'm very stubborn and I've been burned more times than I can count by many people and experiences in church type settings. I know that I should pray more and include God more in this fight; but, I'm not ready for that yet. Yet, I still believe, so I have faith that it will happen eventually.

Today I am secure in the knowledge that Depression, my dark passenger has not won the fight and my hands are firming gripping the steering wheel of my life. For now, that has to be enough.