SKIRT! Team Challenge: MIND!: I Really Will be Okay....

One day, 30 days ago, I woke up and realized that after many years of having varying degrees of alcohol in my life, that I was done.  That I needed a break.  Honestly, I was unsure of how long of a "break" I needed, but a break sounded better than quitting at the moment.  Nothing monumental happened that day.  Nothing terrible happened the night before.  I was lucky.  I drank only at home.  I never drank and drove.  I was always the designated driver because I am, and always have been, fastidious about it.  But I was consuming one skinny bottle a night.  Not a great record.  Not a great example for my daughters.  So, I stopped.  

The first night was hard, so I consumed copious amounts of ice water.  After that it got easier, and then much easier.  What became harder was all the things that I had been numbing all those years. I had been drinking, alone, while my husband of 21 years worked.  He worked under the guise of "I'm working for our family", etc.  I homeschool the girls, always have. He was doing his part.  But we were leaving our marriage on the shelf, and when your numb, you don't mind.  I actually treasured the time that I could write, or read silly novels, sipping cold white wine in my cozy bed, one of my most favorite places in the world.  One of my safest havens.  However, when you stop being numb, you start to realize that being alone every night isn't really what you signed up for when you got married.  Then I realized maybe we weren't even the people we were when we got married.  So, now I have that to consider too.

So, now it's been a month.  The reality of figuring out what has been hiding is starting to poke a head through here or there.  I have this sinking feeling that it's not going to be pretty when it shows it's ugly, uncomfortable head.  I see some memories of the past coming up.  I am having sporadic thoughts or memories of things that aren't quite linking together as easily as they did after I finished that fourth glass of wine.  Then there's the old marriage to rekindle, and in many ways, I am hopeful that our connection is still there, just a bit buried under boxes of old "stuff"....  We'll clean out the marriage garage, put it in order, and find the humor that kept us going during all those difficult times. 

So, after a bit of thought, a lot of writing, and some prayer, I've decided to find a counselor.  A woman, non-judgmental and hopefully, I can face the demons, or perhaps just scary people that are making me feel so very vulnerable.  Maybe they are just old boyfriends that I never stood up to.  Maybe it was the time Jeff Coulter kissed me in the Golden Egg play in third grade and I was horrified (so was he)...

I'm not worried about drinking.  I'm scared, but I'm not alone.  I've surrounded myself by friends and family.  I'll be okay....

Just in case you were wondering, ... I will be okay.