Aaron's Choice and His Death

What was I to say to my 16 year old, who through a friend knew of this boy?  She heard of his death from the TV, but had heard of his actions through a professor at school.  How do you possibly explain the depths of the pain that child was feeling?  The incredibly sense of loss his parents and relatives must now be feeling?  He was rushed to a burn unit, which, absolutely, is the right thing, but was one more lingering hope for the parents.  And now they are left with the reality that their son killed himself, in front of school, leaving a note behind.  I cannot imagine his own personal pain.

Last spring I experienced the deepest, darkest place I ever thought I would enter.  Thinking back, now, it was like walking into a rooms with knives extruding everywhere, but really the pain was so deep, so deep, inside, that you didn't care.  You didn't care that it cut you because at least you felt something.  You felt something, because up until then, you had felt nothing.  I was so fortunate to be "an adult" and have fought major depression before so I knew that when this deep, true depression hit, I needed my husband.  I knew when I took him to the doctor's appointment, and the doctor handed him all his personal phone numbers, and said, "She should not be left alone." that this was it.  This was what it was like to hit bottom. 

I remember lying in my bed.  I knew Bob was coming for me, so I could fantasize in my bed, safely -- he was only minutes away.  That incredibly sense of despair.  The depth of blackness.  Should I ever feel this way...

I wanted to say to my 16 year old -- "You will never feel this way."  I wanted to say that I had never felt this way.  But the reality was wrong -- I had felt that way, and she, at some point, may feel that way.  We talked briefly before she went to bed.  I called her and we talked a bit more.  I told her I'm sorry that this pain exists for her.  She said she felt badly that he was alone.  I think my two older girls were more effected by the dramatic way he chose to die.  That he truly may have suffered, and perhaps he suffered enough on this earth prior to this choice.

My heart aches for the family, truly aches.  I hope for the community that the pull together to bring them closer.  That if one more kid might be noticed, and once less suicide happen... Aaron's death  will not go unnoticed.