Maybe You SHOULD Write Him Off Sometimes: The Mixed Messages Women Sometimes Get

    So the EHookMeUp.com experiment has proven to be interesting, not so much because of the men, but because of the sometimes stupid advice articles that they post for people.  I have decided that Match.com just is not worth it, not even for an experiment worth writing a blog about.  (And yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.  So shoot me, grammar gods).  Sorry if I offend people who have used the site, and you know what, if you found your soul mate on it, then a peanut butter kudos bar to you.  However, looking at it for ten minutes without even registering for it made me physically sick, even more so than three weeks ago, when I had a wicked bad virus and was hugging the toilet all night.  I just hate how it looks like the advertising section of a newspaper; the prettiest picture and the best bi-line takes all.  People should not be made to look like commodities. Perhaps I think this, though, because I'm definitely the type who comes off better in person than I do on paper or on a not very detailed web page.  

     At least, with ehookmeup.com, there is a personality test that attempts to find out whether you and the other people have something real in common.  However, now that I have seen this article, I am starting to have my doubts about this site as well: http://advice.eharmony.com/dating/date-tips/why-you-shouldn’t-write-him-off?cid=dash&aid=1001.  I am sure the author of this article had the best intentions, and she is right in some regards.  Women really should not write a man off just because he doesn't meet all of her expectations.  But you know what, men shouldn't either.  When I was twelve years old, I read a birds in the bees packet that my doctor gave me.  A sentence that stood out to me is, "women are taught to think about men, and men are taught to think about themselves."  Unfortunately, I believe this statement is almost too true.  Perhaps to a degree, men are more wired to be attracted or not attracted to women right away, and women are more wired to develop an attraction over time.  However, like most mysteries of the human psyche, I think this is a balance between nature and nurture.  I think these articles that tell women to give men at least six dates (even though most of us know by the second or third) are written because, sadly, women are more encouraged to settle than men are.  I'm aware that there is a biological clock factor there that does not exist for men.  However, what these dating sites don't tell you is that more and more women are having children in their mid to late thirties or even their early forties, and more often than not, the children and the mothers are perfectly healthy.  Now, I realize that these are conversations that I am having with my mother, a professor, and my cousin, who is a doctor with a Ph.D. and an M.D.  But with all due respect to the dating sites and ebooks that make their money partially off of people's insecurities, I think these women know what they are talking about.  (Yes, grammar gods, I did it again).  Christian Carter, author of Catch Him and Keep Him, might know some things about the human psyche and has some insight from the male perspective, but I doubt he has a Ph.D.  And as my writing group friend Kathy said, the whole concept of catching him and keeping him is a bit outdated. 

      As for writing a person off: sometimes, the chemistry just isn't there on our end either, even after giving a male a fair shot.  So instead of wasting the poor guy's time for a full year because you think something might "develop" because he is a "nice guy", it is probably more honest and fair to tell him earlier in.  Is it annoying to give up another prospect?  Yes, but in the long run, it is more honest.  Sometimes, I think that part of why 50 percent of marriages now end in divorce is because so many women out there lower their standards, and we do, unfortunately, because we are afraid of the statistics out there, even though there is so much more out there in the world than just numbers.  And yet some of these advice articles out there say that we shouldn't give too much to the man to prove our worth, but instead, leave him room to give to us.  I agree with this statement up to a certain point because in any relationship, friendship or dating, if you feel like you are the one putting forth all of the effort, it can be exhausting.  You should indeed write off a man if he is not reciprocating your efforts, or not making any effort at all.  Frankly, he just isn't worth your time, even if he seems cool, because he is probably too self-absorbed at the moment to put his effort into someone as cool as you are.  However, I think every relationship should be a give and take process, with each partner making an equal effort.  So yes, leave him room to give to you, and even let him make the first effort sometimes because maybe that is more comfortable at times.  But every relationship involves a give and take process, and the double standard should not take place in the reverse.  So if you find someone who is worth it, I think it's great to give back.  Just make sure you are not giving your creativity and friendship to someone who is too shallow to appreciate what you have to offer.  

    So now, I am thinking about a couple of new experiments on this adventure.  I am thinking about taking a picture of a very attractive girl, such as my sister (although I would never use her real name, even though she is taken) and creating two separate profiles: one saying she is an attorney or a doctor, and another saying she is a cocktail waitress.  I would be wiling to bet money that the cocktail waitress would get more hits, although they might not necessarily be from quality men.  Also, a friend of mine recently sent me a hilarious online profile of a man with glasses and a shaggy beard with the bi-line "I won't murder you!"  I thought about changing my profile quote on ehookmeup.com to say just that, but unfortunately, since I am a woman, I'm not sure people would understand my humor.  People do not always appreciate sardonic humor coming from a female, although perhaps my comedic hero Tina Fey proves me wrong on that one.  :)