If Only.........

I'm sure we have had this thought at some point.  Mine go something like the following: 

1. If only I had been born a man.  Then, I could be assertive without people thinking that I was a five letter word that rhymes with witch.  I would have all of the luck in the world with dating because I am persistent, assertive, charming, forward, and intelligent.  These qualities serve me well at work and serve men GREATLY at dating, but unfortunately, they don't alway serve women well.  Although I know times and norms are starting to change, women are more expected to passively wait when it comes to dating; otherwise, we come across as desperate even if we are not.  It's one of the unfair gender double standards that exists still today.  If I had been born a man, I would not have had to work twice as hard to prove myself at my college newspaper job, and my current students would have had more inbred, immediate respect for me instead of me having to prove my ability to be an authority figure. 

2. If only I was an ectomorph instead of an endomorph.  Then, I would not have to eat cottage cheese for lunch after indulging in a smoothie and keep a regular exercise routine to avoid weighing 200 pounds.  Then, my sister and I could share clothes, and I could eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese without feeling guilty.  I wouldn't have to eat my sandwiches with one piece of bread and drink coke out of a smaller can, or substitute it with flavorless diet coke.  I could know that there was ice cream in the freezer right now, and that if I ate a bite or two of it, I would not risk gaining holiday pounds.  I would not have to worry about being the largest bridesmaid at my sister's wedding.  I would not look at Oprah's Magazine for health and dieting tips. 

3. If only I had been born without my learning disability.  Then, my math scores would have more closely matched my verbal scores, and I would have gotten into a fancy liberal arts school or an ivy league school like the rest of my family.  I would not have to feel like the dumb one in my family.  I would not freak out when they remodeled the Publix near my house because I had memorized what food was in what aisle, and when they switched it, I was almost in tears at first because I could not find my favorite items.  I would not get lost in my large church building and have to rely on my guy friends to find the tub of materials to take to the donations center.  My little sister would not have to write out directions to switch trains in the D.C. Subway system to avoid me getting lost.  It's strange, I can read a 575 page book in two days and write 500 words, if not more, in a day.  I can do an hour long lecture with minimal notes and keep people interested.  I can act out a lead role in a play and carry out hour-long dance moves that would leave some people stumped.  I can do an improvisational one-act play on a moment's notice.  But if my watch did not have lines for the numbers, I would have trouble reading it and knowing the time.  My verbal scores are above average to superior, and my math computation skills are average to above average, but my spatial perception skills are low average.  That's why I type all of my notes on a power point and find students who can write out the date and the agenda notes for me on the board.  I keep my checkbook online and write on wide ruled paper.  I memorize landmarks so that I don't get lost.  In short, I adapt.

   But, a conversation with my family at dinner tonight made me realize that we can either lament how unfair life is sometimes, or look at the positive If's in our lives instead of the If only's.

1. If I had not been born into a family of educated parents, my learning disability might have been undiagnosed.  If I had not gone to a small private school in elementary school, which my mom taught at, my kindergarten teacher might not have figured out that although I needed a motivating nudge, I could read well beyond my grade level.  Another teacher might have looked at my handwriting and some of my lacking math skills and written me off as a slow learner.  Then, I might not have gotten handwriting tutoring sessions.  Then, I might not have been reading at the college level by the end of elementary school.  My kindergarten teacher Barb tried to get me to write with my left hand, and I still wonder if I was supposed to be left handed and just did not want to be different.  Either way, I have the left handed creative way of looking at the world, and I am glad I had teachers and parents who cared enough to see that. 

2. If endomorphs did not exist in the world, then my dance studio would not be as full of women who want to be in shape, want to be healthy, and listen to my teacher's nutrition advice.  Then, some of beautiful statues and paintings of curvy women would not exist.  We could all eat whatever we wanted, but we would not pay attention to fruits and vegetables and the fact that they really can make you feel good.  

3. If I had not been born a women, then my students would not learn that it is okay to be querky, outspoken, and smart, even if you are a woman, and maybe even because you are a woman.  If a man is intimidated by you because you are smart, that's his problem, not yours.  Even if it is a man's world, you still have the god-given responsibility to use your gifts, academic and otherwise.  Maybe women like me exist on this world to teach the world that very lesson.  

4. If I had not been born with my learning disability, I would not be able to relate to the students in my collaborative class, who have gifts and talents, but also deficits that sometimes put them behind.  I would not understand that a student can have learning difficulties, but still be very smart, have a tilted brain just like mine.  I have a brain that is tilted very far to the right, yet for some people, it's the opposite.  A strong right brain gives me empathy, which is why I can relate to people, even if their brains are tilted in the opposite direction of mine. 

5. If I had not been born in the early 1980s, I would not belong to a generation of women who had options, who were encouraged to better themselves academically, who had other options besides either marrying their college sweethearts or working more menial jobs.  I would not have a mother who began a wave of female academics, and more than likely, I would not have a female sister who is an attorney or a female cousin who is a doctor.  I would not continue to push myself to retake the GRE and eventually pursue a Ph.D. in writing.  I would not write and re-write my stories, because I would have a lesser chance of getting published under a woman's name. 

My if only's could be a lot worse.  I'm sure that Walter and Jakob Ruffing, my ancestors, had a lot of if only's in their minds while they were on their way to Dachau during the 1940s.  Yet in 1945, they were released, still alive and well, at least physically.  Their story reminds me that there are challenges in life, yet with faith and perseverance, there is also deliverance.  Besides, if we did not have challenges, we would be like robots, all the same without  the complexities and the so-called flaws that are just different colors, shapes, and thought processes that make us the beautiful beings we are.  So, we must learn to look at our if only's a new way, as complexities that make us better able to relate to others.  I am a perfectionist to the point where I get annoyed when I don't flip my eggs over easy just the right way.  Yet my dad reminds me that it is an imperfect world, and it is imperfect human beings that make it beautiful when we learn to see challenges as a way to learn and to grow.