Waiting for purpose

It's hard to find purpose in life when where you're going depends on someone or something else.  My husband and I have half of our place boxed up.  We know we're going somewhere, but we don't know where we're going yet.  For the past six months, our future has been dependent upon what kind of employment I get.  And for the past six months, with a recent Master's degree in Social Work I have not been able to find employment.  I'm either overqualified or underqualified.  With a fresh degree and Master's level experience limited to internships, I am in need of employment that will allow me to expand on my newbie experience with a foot in the door.  And, with today's economy, employers are inundated with an overwhelming number of applicants, which wouldn't encourage them to take a chance on someone with a new degree.  So, I've been searching for work doing exactly the kind of mundane work I used to do before I went back to school.  And wouldn't you know it?  I'm overqualified.  I've been turned down for crappy jobs because I "would surely get bored" with "all of my qualifications."  Yet, for more challenging work, I "don't have enough experience," since the experience I got from college mostly scratched the surface of the myriad of types of social work that exist. 

With all of the frustration I've been feeling and with the sense of demoralization that has overcome me, I felt compelled to re-read a journal entry I wrote two years ago just before I got married.  It's helped to remind me to have confidence in myself and in my abilities no matter what.  And, it's helped to remind me to continue to ask God to guide me to wherever I need to be and to help me to have patience about the amount of time it might take.  I would like to share the entry with you here, with the hope that it might give anyone going through a rough patch some encouragement.

5-22-09

My grandmother bought me this beautiful journal some years ago--and I've always wanted to write in it.  It's just so beautiful and delicate with it's pretty, pink wide ruled lines and delicate flowers at the margins.  I adore the pink lines and the Victorian, yet spring-like look to this journal. 

I always saw this as a "happy" journal--as a journal to be written in only in the spring time or summer months.  I saw this as a journal that was too bright to hold my meloncholy thoughts. 

Now, as I approach my wedding date I see this journal as completely appropriate right now and worth the (I believe it's) five-year wait.  I'm getting married in two weeks and I'm the happiest I've ever been.  And, strangely, my colors and white and pink--the exact same pink as these lines on which I now write.  I have been recently preparing for the most elegant day of my life and this journal just seems--Alas!--strangely fitting.

I am finally happy enough to believe that this journal can outlast a season or two.  And, something besides the monumental life change of becoming a newly identified married woman has happened to me.

I feel awake! One day last week it finally occured to me that I seriously need to stop wasting my life.  It's like I woke up one day and realized that I may or may not have much time left and need to start making the most out of every day of my life.  I've always talked about the things I want to do but never felt a sense of urgency to put them into action. 

I'm getting older.  I'm over thirty now--31--and my health is not what it used to be.  I've come to realize that I often spend almost half of my days sleeping and the other half daydreaming of the things I'd like to do in the future. 

I've come to realize that that future is NOW and I've been feeling such a strange sense of urgency to make my dreams come true and to make my life count before it is over.

I think this partly stems from the fact that two years ago I wrote a list of the three things I most wanted in my life and didn't yet have--things that just seemed so far out of range.  One of those things has what's feels like miraculously materialized.  I have met the man of my dreams and am about to marry him!  I feel so happy sometimes that now my happiness is accompanied by the fear of losing what I hold so dear. 

Things that I always thought were impossible for me just don't seem so impossible anymore.  I'm beginning to believe that I deserve to be happy and have the things I want in life and my confidence in myself is higher than it's ever been. 

People have always encouraged me to publish my writing.  Now, I have finally started to listen and believe them.  Last week was the very first time I sent my work to a publisher.  I am SO happy about it!  Why did I wait so long? --It's almost as if a subconscious part of me told myself not to try because I secretly believed I didn't deserve to be happy and to have my dreams come true.  It's as if I thought my dreams were too good for someone like me--they were more suited to someone else's life.

--Well, not anymore! I feel a sense of purpose now when I wake up--for the first time ever in 31 years!  I wake up now and the first thing I do is make coffee and write and chant.  God, I just hope it lasts and that I'm not just maniacally grandiose these days.  Because, I truly feel better than I have ever felt in my entire life.  I think what sealed my confidence in myself and my work was when a few of my professors encouraged me to make a career out of writing and research--something I always wanted but never thought I could have. 

And why not?  Why couldn't it be for me? If I had had half as much confidence in myself as other people did over these years I would have surely been published by now. 

But, better late than never.  I want my life to count for something, and I want my writing to help people and add beauty to the world, and I want to share it with good friends and a loving, supportive life partner...I'm getting there.  Thank you God. 

I really needed to read these words again today--two and a half years later.  I wrote this a year into my graduate program.  After recently finding out that the part-time job I applied to last week cleaning up cat cages at an animal shelter (what I thought was surely a "safety" job) turned me down for employment and that they had received literally over 100 resumes for the position, I was feeling pretty hopeless. This was of course, after already having applied to over a hundred different positions that were both in my field and out of my field.   

There is one job I am really counting on.  It's in Grand Forks, North Dakota.  It's working as a Policy and Evaluation Specialist for a government funded program researching best practices for interventions and for prevention with children who have experienced or who are at risk for experiencing violence.  This research program is something that I desperately want to be a part of.  It's the kind of social work I enjoy doing.  It would allow me to use my research, evaluative and writing skills.  I've called them twice and sent them my resume and application last week.  I'm planning to follow up with them this week if I haven't heard from them by Tuesday. 

That negative little voice in my head tries to say, "You're not going to get the job.  It's in North Dakota.  Why would they hire you when you're all the way in Knoxville?"

The positive voice in my head says, "This position is PERFECT for me.  It's a position that I have a clear sense of purpose about--that I understand completely what I will be doing and that I feel confident that I can do." 

I've been praying about getting this job for a week and a half now.  If I don't get it, I'm not sure if my ego can handle it without feeling devastated and feeling like I'm back to ground zero.  If I do get it, I'm scared about the move to North Dakota.  Moving to North Dakota was not in my husband's and my plans.  We've had our hearts set on Washington State.  But, I know that in my heart I would feel excited about moving to North Dakota--mostly because I know almost nothing about it and it would be like foreign territory to me--A TRUE CHALLENGE and ADVENTURE!

Re-reading this journal entry that I've shared with you above has helped to remind me that I do have skills, I do have good things to offer the world and that my dreams in this lifetime will come true.  I just need to remember to focus on them, to clearly define them, and to allow God to give them to me when the time is right with an open attitude of gratitude. 

When I wrote that journal entry, I had just received several of the deepest desires of my heart.  I read Your Miracle Book which explained why many people do not have their dreams come true and suggested a method of making this happen.  I'm going to retry this method here now:

Currently, the three greatest desires of my heart are:

1.  To find employment that allows me to use my research, evaluative and writing skills in a way that benefits the public and social good while simultaneously providing me enough financial support to support my household.

2.  To continue to maintain and cultivate close friendships and my support groups, that encourage and enrich my spiritual growth.

3.  To continue to seek new ways and topics of writing that will ultimately be shared with the world through online or print publishing with the ultimate purpose of enriching the lives of others. 

God, I know that these things are coming to me, sometimes faster, sometimes slower.  I am ready to receive them all with open arms.  I am grateful for all of these wonderful gifts which I am about to receive.

Thank you for reading through my internal struggles and my spiritual journey!