Thoughts on blogging--a new approach

I haven't written a Skirt blog in quite a long time and I've been asking myself lately why I write.  Blogging went downhill for me after I wrote a blog I couldn't take back--couldn't delete--a blog that brought out the ugliness in me and in some other bloggers.  I'm not proud of it and have been hesitant to blog ever since. 

Another reason I've been hesitant to blog has to do with comments.  My constant checking for how many comments people made, what people were saying and how many hits I was getting--I didn't like how addicted I was feeling to the computer and to on-line relationships.  It made me feel very vain--who was I writing for anymore?  It wasn't for myself.  And, who did I think I was that I wanted to "inspire" others--especially when I can't even inspire myself?  I began to realize that maybe part of me was looking to experience some form of worship or adoration from my readers.  When I felt validated and was given good feed back, it made me feel kind of "high."  But, whenever I got negative fedback, those negative comments from perfect strangers had a way of completely deflating my self-esteem, and they had such an enormous power over me that those comments would stay with me for days, consuming my thoughts and influencing my future behavior. 

It almost felt as if it were something the devil could have had a hand in--boost me up with superficial desires and then tear me down with feelings of worthlessness, and make me question something that used to give me great pleasure--writing. 

Somehow, my writing life--something that motivated and propelled me--had gone off track.  Since then I've stopped writing completely, re-evaluating what it all means and re-evaluating what's it all worth.

I know that I don't like allowing others' comments to have such a stong hold over me.  I know that I don't like tailoring what I write to what kind of hits, comments, or praise might come from it.  And I know that I don't like feeling like other people's thoughts, opinions, and words have the power to affect how I feel about myself as a human being--based on something I've written.

I've gotten off track and am searching for a way back to a fundamental part of myself--myself as a writer.  I keep asking myself over and over again--why did I ever write in the first place?  Why did I write for years in my journal when I knew nobody would read it?  Why did I write stories or poems or essays on my free time when I knew they might never be published? 

I know I didn't write them for the purpose of praise, adoration, or for "a following."  Back then, I wrote because it entertained me, it made me feel less alone--like I had an alter-ego on the page that kept me company when I grew up as an only child.

Maybe some things aren't meant to be shared for public scrutiny, for public evaluation?  Maybe blog writing is just "too personal" for me? 

When writing blogs, I've found myself thinking several times while writing them, "But what will they say???"  I've re-written certain phrases thinking, "Someone might find offense with this," or thinking "Someone might think less of me if I write this and stop reading my blogs."

Something I've realized now that is so important is that I need to write for myself and for myself alone.  If someone decides they don't like what I have to say, oh well then! If someone decides not to "follow" my blog posts anymore, then that is their perogative.  And, if someone has something nasty to say about what I've written, then I'm not going to take it personally.  Their negative comments are their issue--not mine. 

I also found myself writing very negatively in my blogs--found myself full of complaints about this or that.  Interestingly, when I write for myself and myself alone--I'm not full of complaints because I'm not "trying" to write something interesting and insightful for others to enjoy. 

I need to get to a point where I don't care about whether others like my writing, like me, or not.  Who cares what they think?  I need to just be true to myself--I need to write like I do in my journals.  Then, if I choose to share my journal entries with others--thinking others might benefit from them or enjoy them--then so be it. 

This is an excerpt from a recent journal entry I wrote.  I've had a bad case of writer's block for awhile and writing this helped me to figure out why.  I think that from now on, I'm going to try this approach to writing--write in my journal about this or that and then share the entries if I feel that others might benefit somehow from them.  I do value the friendships I've made here on Skirt and I've missed them and am ready to get back to them.  And for others that I've been ugly with in past blogs, in "comment wars," I do apologize for the ugly things I've said.  I'm trying to take them back here without the ability to delete them. 

I'm ready to try a new approach to writing and to blogging and I'm ready to share this new approach with Skirt! Nation.  Thanks for reading!