Gratitude as payment?

I had an interesting conversation with a dear friend recently on the subject of gratitude.  I didn’t want to go out of my way to take someone I barely knew to the airport at 6 in the morning on my vacation, because I knew she could afford a taxi, because she didn’t plan well, and because it appeared by the way she was driving every one else crazy that she expected everyone else to pick up her slack.  I told my friend that I didn’t want to help her because she wouldn’t appreciate me going out of my way for her and that that would make me feel used.  I also told her that if I believed for one second that she would appreciate me going out of my way and losing sleep to do something nice for her that I would have done it in a heartbeat.

She instantly raised her eyebrows and said, “Ah…”  and got very quiet. 

“What?” I asked. 

“So, you feel like you need to be paid with gratitude in order to do something nice for somebody.” 

Instantly wanting to rebuke this statement, I struggled with thinking that maybe she was right.  But, it sounded so cold and callous when she put it that way.  “What’s so wrong with wanting gratitude for going out of your way for someone?”

“I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it,” she said.  “I’m just acknowledging the fact that you expect gratitude as a payment—that your good doings come at a price.  You’ll do something nice for someone not to do something nice for its own sake, but rather, you’ll do something nice for someone so that you can feel good about yourself when they express gratitude.”

“So, you’re saying that you would help someone even if they didn’t appreciate it?  Even if they took you for granted?”

“Yes,” she said.  “I would. If I had a vehicle and could take this woman to the airport, even after she’s used many people so far and put many people out, I would.” 

“Why?” I scoffed. 

“Because that’s what God would have me do to be a good and decent human being.  I feel called by God to help my fellow man no matter what.”

(Let me interject here that my friend is seriously considering becoming a nun).

“I just don’t see what’s so wrong about expecting gratitude from someone when you’re giving them time and energy that you may not have.  Helping one person means less time with other people and other projects in life.”

“Ah…” she said again. 

“What?”

“So, you give when you don’t have much to give, for the high of feeling good with the payment of gratitude.”  Seeing the perplexed look on my face, she added, “If you don’t have the time or the resources to give someone because you’re otherwise preoccupied with your family or with other plans, then you should just say you don’t have the time or resources to give.  But, what you’re saying is that you’ll go out of your way for someone and sacrifice your time and resources simply for the payment of gratitude.  –Interesting…” 

I had never before heard of gratitude described to me as a payment.  Was it really so wrong to desire gratitude?  Was it putting me in a position of superiority all of these years without me knowing it? 

“I help people if they need help and if I can give it.  That is all.  If they appreciate it, great.  If they don’t, then that’s fine.” 

“If they don’t appreciate it,” I said, “then that makes me feel less inclined to help them again.” 

“There’s nothing wrong,” she said, “with wanting gratitude as payment.  Just acknowledge that your kindness comes at a price…that it is not truly freely given.” 

I appreciate my friend of 14 years, partly because she always challenges my thinking with conversations like these.  It’s been a month since we had this conversation and I’m still thinking about this topic and what it means to me.  Am still wondering if I need to rethink what I think of as kindness, and if I need to ask myself if I've ever truly been kind or not?  What does kindness and gratitude mean to you?  How important is gratitude to you and do you see it as “payment?”