For Better Or Worse

Jorge Luis Borges uses the image of labyrinths in many of his short stories.  In high school, when I really thought about what the labyrinths meant to me, I saw them as a metaphor for one’s lifeline.  When you’re born, you enter into the labyrinth.  You’re walking along a straight line until…BAM!…something happens and you’re forced to take a different direction.  In life, many events force us (for better or worse) to take alternate routes.  Just when we get comfortable and think we’ve got it all figured out, something unexpected (such as: we lose our looks, we have children, we have a debilitating health issue, someone close to us dies…) always happens that makes us take yet another path in the lifelong labyrinth. 

In my mind, if the labyrinth is a symbol of life, finding our way out of the labyrinth is the equivalent of finding our way to God—through dying.  So many recent events have happened in my life lately, that I’ve been truly asking myself…Is this my labyrinth?  Am I dying? 

My health has been in decline and I’ve had some spiritual epiphanies recently.  The more I believe in God and what God means, the more ill I’ve become.  I've begun to wonder if I’m finding my way out of my own personal labyrinth of life—like I’ve possibly uncovered something and like following it may lead to my death. 

I know that this may sound very melodramatic.  But, it’s difficult to feel hopeful when doctors keep finding that my tests are all fine as I continue to feel worse.   And, because of my health I’ve found myself at a complete abysmal stand still—doing nothing while my brain works overtime trying to figure out what to do.  In my own labyrinth, do I go left or do I go right?  My path is blocked.  I’m forced to take a different direction.  I’m not ready to find my way out yet.  Adventure in the labyrinth is half the fun. 

Trying to find which path to take that will lead me to wellness is the goal.  Weighing the options feels like a conundrum.  Right now, my husband and I want to rule out our environment as a cause for my symptoms.  We’re weighing out:  Do we move somewhere else here in Knoxville?  Or, do we take a leap of faith and move to the Seattle area (an environment in which I did feel better for a few days)?  We’ve been going round in round in lengthy discussions all week long.  The impatient side of me wants to just hurry up and decide something already, since staying stagnant changes nothing.  But, we have some very big life changes to decide, both of which could (and probably will) alter our lives forever—for better or worse.