my darling friend - you friends will never leave you as you struggle with the unspeakable pain and lost - we are here for you. but I would not be doing my job as your friend if I don't make you laugh and have us spend a few moments speaking on our writing and life. I think that is what Kay wants us to do in her absence. Keep you going and helping you to keep going to a little peace. At you pace, my dear Kim, at your pace. xoxox elizabeth

So... I actually cheered... WOOTED... when you said you didn't make the next appointment. I want you to, though, you know. Just with someone else. There is still plenty to gain. Just shed the stinkin' thinkin' dude. Find someone real. And then go see your merlot clan and lift one for me. For us.

I can feel your fury coming through my computer screen; your writing is such a tribute to the reality of all that was lost. I am sorry that your therapy session did not seem to help, but I am glad that you are getting real support from other places -- especially from your girlfriends.  Tug on them hard.

I used to collect "hard" poems --the words expressing so well what I could not do myself -- a problem you do not have, but still. When I read your blog, I thought of this hard poem and just wanted to post it for you:

W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I am so sorry, Kim.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Thank you for your courage in sharing with us.

. . . but in the end my husband took the brunt of my hysterical emotional rants . . . followed closely by my best friend who just allowed me to cry and cry and cry . . .

. . . if writing helps you heal, or crying, or shouting and screaming then do it . . . there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Our circumstances are completely different but I want you to know that I understand how hard it is to deal with 'loss' and more than 10 months down the line I'm still trying to deal with it - but sooner or later you will laugh again (and up above she'll be smiling).

Sending you loads of virtual hugs and tears to you (so wish we'd met up when you were in London too).

x

Dear Kim,

I hope you do stay away from a dry, by the book, psychologist,  Friends are priceless and they cost nothing. They are without judgement and will honor your feelings even if it takes a lifetime- I found this quote by Eat, Pray, Love author..

"When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope"- Elizabeth Gilbert

Sending lots of love and prayers...

Deborah

:(___   I was trying to make a tear, but it looks like drool.

:____ ( That's better.

What an idiot he was- worse than an idiot. I want to slap him for you.

I just got in from work... late. I was thinking of you a bit actually on the drive home. I was listening to John Meyer, being sad, and realized that the anniversary of my dad's death  is coming up next week. Although this is the 18th anniversary of his death (suicide) , this is the first year I am without him and my mother, as well. I was having a little pity party ... Then, my thought was briefly of you, as I drove down I-85 in NC, thinking of "hands"... how my dad  died at his own hand and your sister died at the hand of another. I thought of your anger and my own emotion...anger at him, at times, but mostly, it's more difficult to be angry at a disease.  I thought of life as being a  "spiritual weaver"... how we try to weave the good and bad of life into something we can understand/ process... how some threads come into the weave and others are dropped/ lost. And I wondered for a minute, is this as asinine as it looks sometimes, because despite all the good and awe and joy of life... (and you know I love life, Kim,) sometimes we just feel lost, and it all feels SO pointless, doesn't it? When you are trying to hold it together, and the thread that was  just THAT  has been severed.

As your friend Kim, please try to find someone else when you are able. That guy was a jerk. Try someone else. And if they don't understand, do it again. Getting the right person to talk to may not make bearing your grief any easier, but it might. The right person, certainly  won't make it any worse.

We met when you left a comment on my blog. You caught my attention. This morning you grabbed my heart with this blog and your loss.

My husband died two years ago, suddenly from an illness that was not to kill him, just disable him. It was tramatic, but I I felt it was coming and, for him, better than the alternative.

The shock of your experience jolts to the soul. I can't even imagine. The idiot you went to see was that, an idiot. I didn't go see a professional nor did I join a grief group. I wrote late at night. I called my friends. The support I needed was there. Plus dogs and Margaritas seemed to be my answer.(Social drinks, not drowning in them kind of drinks).

The phrase everything happens for a reason was tossed around a good bit. Wanted to punch even my friends for that. But my friends were there for me and I could call my best friend every hour, all hours.

However you choose to deal with this, you need to talk and cry about it. Don't let it stay inside. Friends will be there for you to rant, and you need to do that. Let it out. To me that is the only way to finally come to peace with a loss. That loss is never really gone, but time will bring a healing if you are kind to yourself and let your sorrow surface to those you love.

I don't understand why things happen in life, I do know sometimes we get lucky and have the support team we need. I agree with some of the comments above, maybe try another professional, but let your friends love and comfort you.

I am here if you want to rant. A stranger, but a kindred spirit in loss.

Hugs, Barbara

to drink Merlot with you and wipe your snotty tears away.  You are a good friend so obviously you have many good friends to help you through this.  No one thought you would be "better" in 4 months.  How could you be?  But see another therapist Kim  Therapy is icky.  It takes time.  And when it seems hard and uncomfortable, that's when you know it's working.  You are not supposed to "like" it and it doesn't "fix" you - but with the right therapist you can work through it and figure out how to navigate life now that everything has changed.  And you can.  And you will.  In your own time Kim you will.

Nothing and no one can ease that pain Kim. It takes forever, but friends are certainly wondrous gifts and sister sufferers. I admire the way you can blast away online.

Sounds like you got a bad shrink, if you ask me. I wish you'd look for another one, but would understand if you don't want to. Your first experience was a bad one, to say the least. It's just that when two people are so joined, as you and your sister are, what happens to one happens to the other. In other words, her death has become yours...

...only you're still alive.

Your opening to this blog made me think of something, and I hope you don't mind me sharing. You said you ask God every morning to take your life, mind, dreams, soul, etc. I was on retreat with the youth group a few weeks ago, when this very subject came up.

Forgot how we got on the topic, but someone mentioned how we always refer to life as OUR life, or time as OUR time. How often do we say, "He's wasting MY time," or "It's MY life; I'll do what I want." Eventually, we came to the conclusion that it's NOT our life or time, but rather, it's God's life and time, and they're on loan to us.

So you're right in offering them up to Him, Kim. Who knows what His divine plan is. I wish I could answer why He saw fit to take Kay, but I don't know. All I know is she's at peace. That much, I know.

As far as "expecting you to be unchanged" goes, I wouldn't dare. When life turns on us, it usually does so gradually, in order that we can adjust. You and yours, on the other hand, had a bomb dropped on you all of the sudden. The landscape of your life will forever be altered, so keep venting and screaming and crying until you learn the terrain.

I love you, Kim.

XO - Tara