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viewsThe Profound Sadness of Chocolate Chip Cookies
By krrobi, Sunday, September 12, 2010, 8 comments~~Insert Lady Antebellum into my CD player and sob all the way to work. Thank God I simply need to drive fifteen minutes, or I’d drown inside my own fucking tears, Thank God I can get up, apply lipstick, drink a cup of coffee, feed the cats, and get behind a steering wheel.
Thank God I’m even thanking God.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m losing my mind. I wonder how others behave when they lose the best part of who they were; the person they thought they’d grow old with, the person who knows their darkest secrets.
I wonder how others continue to exist when they walk the earth with an open wound.
I think too much, too hard, too deeply.
Are there others that exist like me; individuals who are bleeding from the inside out?
Individuals who work, grocery shop, bake brownies, make love, and smile plastic smiles, but in reality… cry, cry, cry?
I’m lost. I’m sad. I’m pathetically pathetic.
People ask, “How much longer will you mourn, grieve, lament?”
And I respond: “As long as I want to. As long as I’m able to. As long as I have an ounce of strength inside my body.”
I am wedged inside my own world like the autistic children I see at school. I am like my lovely grandma,
I feel too much, too hard, too deeply.
I ask my nephew—
“OOOOH, Jordan, who will I bake chocolate chip cookies with over the holidays? Who will watch “A Christmas Carol” with me? Who will love me like your mother loved me?”
He pauses for a long time. He sighs. Tears fill his lovely twenty year old eyes. And he finally says, “Me, Kim. Me.”
It’s not the large things that cause my discontent.
It’s the simple things I miss, the smallest joys I covet—
The moisture of Kay’s pink lips on my cheek, the early morning phone calls to say I’m thinking of you, the Barnes & Noble trips splitting triple pumpkin pie, the reassurance of a soul mate loving you, loving you, loving you…
And the pure pleasure of baking chocolate chip cookies during the holidays. The mixing of brown sugar, baking soda, vanilla, and the cracking of eggs. The laughter and conversation at the kitchen table anticipating the fist batch to come out of the oven.
The entire room smelling of melted chocolate, sweet butter, and God.
There is a profound sadness about the absence of that.
MY SOUL MATE, My Angel, My Best Friend
© 2010 kimsistorobinson
Come visit my new website: MY INNER CHICK: 
http://myinnerchick.com/
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8 Comments
Never again
I will never smell the scent of chocolate chip cookies again and not think of you and Kay. You have now equated that scent with God. My taste buds thank you. My thighs don't.
I know the wound intimately now. My heart breaks with the small things. But it is held together with love from friends who remind me that God is there in the sadness to- even though it's hard for us to see.
I love you my wonderful friend with grief that will never be silent. Your words help me heal. Thank you.
Kim, Chocolate chip cookies
Kim, Chocolate chip cookies are one of the special bonds I have with my three nephews. Many years ago I started baking them these cookies to let them know I loved them. It has become my "trademark". Years later, I was busy one Christmas ( with work...:() and bought them nice gifts instead of the cookies. They liked the gifts ok, but my heart broke when they asked about the cookies. That is what they had come to associate from me... So every year ( except last year when mama died) I make them cookies. Could I make some, sometime and send to you? If so, would you please e-mail me your ADDRESS? sboswelleurope@gmail.com
xxoo Susan
If you knew who walked beside you
Kim,
A saying that helped me in the many times I felt the greif you are in is "If you knew who walked beside you, you would never fear again" from "A Course In Miracles" I did a post about this on my blog. Your sister is with you through all you tears-Know this in your heart.
Love and prayers to you,
Deborah
Your post is beautifully
Your post is beautifully written. Sitting here, I can feel the bond you shared with your sister, and I can feel your pain.
Much love and hugs to you.
Angel
Your words...
have such a beautiful impact.
The entire room smelling of melted chocolate, sweet butter, and God.
I too will always think of you and Kay when I bake chocolate chip cookies.
Love and hugs to you my far away friend.
Kim, What a gift Kay left you
Kim,
What a gift Kay left you in the form of her son, Jordan. And what a comfort you are to him. Maybe this year's chocolate chip cookies will have a new indregident - your tears. but you will do this and you have your angel Kay to help. And you got us and you have Jordan. xoxox
elizabeth
Weep and we weep with you
I found that music rips the grief from us, allows us to utter and sob and scream the names of those we've lost so violently. Six months after Fran died I went in search of the place where she died, Celtic music blaring through the car's interior, my heart a heavy sponge, her name sobbed outloud over and over again.
I love your response to those who ask if you shouldn't be over Kay's death already. You mourn and grieve as long as you need to because grieving has no timeline and the loss remains though the rawness of the grief subsides into a sweet longing, constant remembering, and sudden tears when least expected.
Oh, elizabeth said is
Oh, elizabeth said is perfectly: new ingredients, a beautiful baking partner ... you are their for your nephews and they for you. that's not going to be a solution -- you grieve as long as you are you ... but that is love. and love is good. always and especially now.
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