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viewsA Letter To Her Executioner
By krrobi, Monday, September 6, 2010, 16 comments
~~~~One of the most horrific tasks after my sister, Kay’s, murder has been going through her possessions: her clothing still drenched in perfume and hairspray, the endless tubes of pink lipstick, and her innumerable journals, which are so staggeringly personal and heartrending that my heart breaks wide open every time I read her sentences. I want to turn back time. I want to see her. I want to wrap my arms around her and scream;
“LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM!
Leave the Son-of-a-Bitch!
She tried, but he always begged her back.
You see, Kay’s greatest gift was her immense compassion for others, her ability to love, love, love even if the love was not returned.
After all, this is the reason she stayed with her soon to be ex for thirty long years; this is the reason she tried to make the marriage work; this is the reason she allowed him to control her, manipulate her, intimidate her, minimize her, diminish her…
And in the end…Execute her.
She stayed. She stayed. She fucking stayed.
Not only did our family sort through Kay’s belongings over the last three months, but we were forced to sort through his belongings, as well.
Here is a letter I found stuffed underneath his military t-shirts dated January, 9, 2010.
~~~
My Dear Mike,
How I wish I had been able to talk face to face to you about what I’m about to do. First off, I want you to know I do love you…but not in a way a wife should love her husband. I tried. I tried to talk to you, to communicate so many times, but now it’s just too late. I wish, I really wish our marriage could have worked out. But I simply can not cut through all of the walls that have been put up.
I don’t have the strength anymore.
I will not do it anymore.
I cannot pretend anymore.
My heart breaks as I write this, but you will not listen to me. I want you to know that I’m not doing this because I don’t care. I’m doing it because I do care. I deserve more. And you deserve somebody who will knock your socks off. You have so many good qualities…so much to offer.
I want you to be happy, Mike. I realize this is going to be very hard for you, but time will heal your heart. I promise you that.
I want to write down the many attributes you have that I admire: You are a great provider. You always have been. And you have an eye for detail. You are a wonderful leader. You are kind hearted and handsome. So much more…
You might be wondering why I am divorcing you if you have all of these qualities. It is because we tend to bring the worst out in one another…and I can’t do it anymore.
I will not do it anymore.
When I married you the second time, I was in it for life, for life. I meant those vows. But after 8 months, you went back to the way you were before. You shut down. You crushed my spirit. And I am lonely. I am so very lonely. Even when we are together. And I shouldn’t feel that way.
. Please don’t be angry. I beg you, please don’t be angry with me.
I will always hold you in my heart. Always. You are dear to me and I will never forget all of our good times together.
Love to you, K. Marie
~~~
Five months after this letter was dated, the executioner walked up behind my sister as she was opening the front door,and shot her in the back of the right side of her head. When she fell, he shot her two more times on the left side of her head. He then clung his arms around her and shot himself in the right temple.
They called it a “Murder/Suicide” in the paper.
I call it “The Darkest Day of My Life.”
© 2010 kimsistorobinson
Follow krrobi (krrobi) on Twitter
She was a mother:
She was a daughter:
She was my Best friend
~~~{A note to other women in this situation: GET OUT. GET OUT.
Get Empowered. Allow your abuser to get his own help. You cannot change him. He can only change himself.}
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16 Comments
Oh, Kim. This is such an
Oh, Kim. This is such an incredibly powerful message. I know your sister's letter and your words will reach someone who needs the encouragement to save herself. My heart goes out to you and your family every time I read one of your posts.
Love to you all.
Wow Kim, this blog is
Wow Kim, this blog is something. That LETTER is something. You are so right in saying "get out." I think as women, we tend to let our hearts rule our heads. We hope that with a little love and patience, he will change. But they never do.
It usually starts with some verbal abuse, but it always progresses into something more. I know this, because this is what my father did to my mother. Fortunately, she got out, but so many women don't.
Thank you for sharing, and stay strong, my love. I think about you and yours every day.
XO - Tara
Everyone says that people
Everyone says that people don't change unless they want. No matter how much effort and love a person puts into another, it will not change their behavior.
It is a shame, and I use that word because I don't know a stronger one to describe this, but it is a shame that this is what it takes to get the message across.
Just as no one thought the first hit would come no one ever thinks their story will end like this either. You are an amazing writer with incredible strength.
Thank you.
I know that you wrote this
I know that you wrote this blog for all the women who stayed, but it has touched me in an incredible way that I had not expected. All of your blogs touch my heart, but this one in particular was meaningful to me because Kay's letter was so similar to emails and letters that I wrote to my now-ex. I swear, some of the sentences and phrases are almost identical to my own words that it's uncanny. My decision to leave, which I have never really doubted, has been very much reaffirmed. Thank you for sharing this.
Kim, that was so powerful to
Kim, that was so powerful to read's Key's words to a man who did not deserve those words. She was a wonderful person who put herself last until the end.
you know how I feel about this and I thank you for telling women out there to get out - get out before it is too late. Men have got to grow up and not use violence as a way to hold unto something they love.
xoxoxox elizabeth
This is absolutely
This is absolutely beautiful, in a tragic way. Your sister's letter was so heartfelt, and really shows the kind, passionate and wonderful person she was. And not to mention beautiful, I don't know anyone who can pull of pink lipstick that way, but she does it easily.
Thank you for sharing this story, and even more for sharing such a personal letter. I wish that it had got through to him, because I'm sure it will get through to so many other women. It was beautiful, she was obviously beautiful.
Kim, my heart just goes out
Wow...
I can't add anything to the girl's comments above. Love you- Kim.
A question
Kim, you are such an amazing writer; your heart absolutely pours off the page/screen -- these blogs about your sister are so heartbreaking and raw and beautiful. Thank you so much for your willingness to share her with us all.
I have a question to pose about your sister -- I hope this does not feel at all inappropriate or pushy. But I am struck by a sad contradiction in her experience. You write that she stayed and stayed and stayed. Until the horrible end. But you also note that she was in the process of getting a divorce. And her amazingly selfless and forgiving words to her husband were all about getting out.
I feel compelled to talk about this because I worked at a battered women's shelter for eight years; I would say it was a most significant experience in my life. The work was all about trying to provide safety and support to women. Often this was about helping them leave.
A real "loss of innocence" for me came when I learned what the more seasoned advocates knew: That when a woman leaves, or is in the process of leaving, it is the most dangerous time. When women are seriously injured or killed by an abuser, most often it happens during this time. God, that pissed me off to no end. That when someone was trying, struggling to be free, to rebuild her life free from violence, that the ultimate price may be paid.
But there it was. Of course, all of this is not to say that women shouldn't leave. But when women do leave, and when we are talking to our friends, our neighbors, our sisters, all the women we love who are hurting, about leaving -- we need to know that they may need the help of shelter, police, a plan. It's totally unfair that that is the case, but it is a reality.
Sometimes, no matter what precautions are made, violence is unavoidable. So wrong, but there it is. However, sometimes having that support can make a difference.
The number to the National Domestic Violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Of course, you know your sister's experience better than me; than anyone. And your larger point is well-taken, that for years she stayed, and went back, and kept trying.
Kim, thank you so much for letting me say this. I really hope I have not overstepped. I know that your blogs reach so many, and will help so many -- I know many of your readers may see themselves in your sister. So I just wanted to put it out there.
God bless
Dear MaeMucho, Thanks for
Dear MaeMucho,
Thanks for your comment. Kay stayed for many reasons: He begged her. He pleaded. Her Kids. Money. Her Faith. And in the end, she stayed because she felt sorry for him. She stayed because she felt sorry, sorry, sorry for him....she stayed because he told her he was sick ..... she stayed because she thought he was going to commit suicide.
Oh, God, I wish He would have just shot himself. Oh, if only I could have her back. I wish I could stop writing these fucking blogs and hug, hug, hug her. ~~Kim
What he did is unimaginable,
a nightmare. I am so so sorry that this is not a bad dream from which you can wake. It is just so unfair; so selfish and pointless.
I suspect the blogs hardly make a drop in the bucket of easing your pain. Maybe someday there will be some comfort in knowing that you have reached and helped a lot of people.
thank you again for your courage and honesty and sharing
I don't know what else to add
I don't know what else to add except to thank you for sharing.
The dream
In reading Kay's loving message to her soon to be ex husband, I was overwhelmed with the beauty of her spirit, so loving and forgiving and honest.What a tragedy her death is, the unending anguish of those grieving the loss of her radiant spirit. Is that her ex in the photo? Having loved a man like him and staying too long, I know how potent is the force that keeps us believing that some day the wonderful man we believe hides within will help you fell the walls he builds to imprison you, your children and yourself. It is a false and deadly dream.
Hello Beryl... That photo is
Hello Beryl... That photo is our Daddy! I would NEVER put a photo of her executioner. xxxx Hoping you are well. Lets meet soon again. ~~K.
Hello Beryl... That photo is
Hello Beryl... That photo is our Daddy! I would NEVER put a photo of her executioner. xxxx Hoping you are well. Lets meet soon again. ~~K.
My prayers to your family...
Kim, Your sister was in the process of seeing the light-she was doing the best she could.She was a kind and beautiful person. It would be a miracle if there was some way to make a plan of action for every woman that worked.Each situation is different though and requires insurmountable strength, patience, hope and help from above.
Prayers, love, and light to you,
Deborah
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