at·trac·tion (-trkshn) The gravitational force exerted by one body or mind to another.

~~ Hubby and I have met several friends and acquaintances though soccer, basketball, boy scouts, and other school events. And I’ve met a few great girlfriends because of those encounters. Here’s how I measure if I want somebody as my girlfriend---I ask myself one question: Would I go out alone with this individual unaccompanied by the husbands to have a glass of Merlot?

And I know immediately after meeting them if this meeting would indeed occur.

 It’s like that fabulous scene from “Sea of Love” when Ellen Barkin looks at Al Pacino while on a blind date and asserts, “I believe in love at first sight.  I believe in animal attraction.  I believe in Snap!  And I don’t feel it happening with you.”

This immediate attraction happens between two women, as well—this energy that flows from one mind to another mind; this surge of connectedness that touches one core to another core. 

    SNAP!   

Anyhow, we’ve gone out with several couples over the years and at times I’ve dreaded it.  I mean, really bloody dreaded it.

 Here’s the scenario:  The husbands sit at one end of the table drinking beer and the wives sit on the other end drinking whatever they drink. And I’m wondering; WHAT THE HELL!   I’m thinking; I don’t want to hear about how perfect your kids are.  I’m going to die if you say one more word.  Die. Die. Die.

Picture it:  Cindy is gushing with sentences like this:  “Well, Bobby is getting a 6.0 and he’s already applied to universities. Gosh, he’s only twelve years old!  Can you imagine?  And he’s probably going to Harvard because that’s where the genius kids go, the wealthy kids, the popular kids.  And he’ll most certainly be receiving a scholarship even though we could pay for the whole thing because well, Dan IS ahead of the entire medical department at St. Mary’s Hospital.  Oh, and I almost forgot, Bobby will almost certainly be playing soccer for the USA team, you know, with David Beckham and those other guys…And…And… did I tell you I’ve lost forty pounds recently?”

I’m assuming if little Bobby said ‘Shit,’ he’d probably say it in French.

Excuuuuse me, biaaatch, but I will not be calling you anytime soon to go out for a glass of Merlot 

Every Friday the boys had a basketball game. Afterwards we typically ended up at Applebee’s with a few of the parents.  It was enjoyable if I was positioned near one of the moms who was interesting, but more times than not, I sat by a mom who couldn’t resist boasting about her kid:  how absolutely flawless he was, how astonishing, how she doesn’t even bother going to conferences anymore because the teachers’ just gushed about his perfection, his radiance, his wonderfulness.

Some of those kids are now seniors or off at college.  But recently we met at a comedy club in Minneapolis with some to those same couples who are now empty nesters.  What could it hurt?  I wouldn’t need to listen to them gush this time about their kids who are now at Princeton, Smith, Cambridge, and practicing to become President of the United Freaking States... because we’d be watching the comedians rather than talking.  I felt safe from the superficiality, pretention, and lack of humility.

   But... 

As we’re having a few drinks before the performance, two of the former basket ball moms begin talking about their new golden retriever puppies, which were purchased after the boys left home. 

Puppies are “Void Fillers” I guess.

“Dukes is completely potty trained,” one of the women bragged.  “He fetches, comes when he’s told to, and knows the difference between his right and left paw!”

Woopty Do Da.  Give the girl a medal!

The other woman, I’ll just call her Biaach 2, responded like this— “Well, Muffin is so intelligent that I’m pretty sure she would go tinkle in the toilet, but Dan will not hear of it. And I will have you know that Muffin was also the best behaved at dog school. It’s all about environment, you know?”   

   Some things NEVER change.

*****A Last Note:  This is a true story.  Names and places have been changed to protect the dumb asses who might read it.

If you are not amused, this blog is probably about you….  But if you are giggling right now, you are most likely a woman I’d love to have a glass of merlot with!

**Scene between Pacino & Barkn:  sea of love : restaurant scene

© 2010 kimsistorobinson