Past, Presence or Future?

This is, for the most part, a follow up to my previous blog "Hope's Alluring Trap."

Let's be honest, living in the past or in the future is a lot easier than practicing presence. It's easier because most of us can do it on auto-pilot. In America we've been very much conditioned to live in the future...chasing the illusive dream of having more or having a better life; of getting all that we are entitled to sooner rather than later. We can't wait to get married, then we can't wait for kids. Once we have kids we can't wait for them to begin growing and then once they get a little older we can't for them to move out so we can have a life again. We strive for that big promotion and then once we get it we can't stop dreaming about retirement. And on and on it goes. Living in the past also happens effortlessly. How many times do we find ourselves thinking..."if only...". If you are one who's experienced any type of emotional trauma these statements come even more frequently. Most of us are convinced that we are the sum total of the choices we've made throughout our lives. And for those who've been impacted by abuse we also find ourselves believing that we are who our abuser(s) have made us to be through their choices. Here's a wonderful news flash...neither is true!

Through authors like Pema Chodron ("When Things Fall Apart") and Jan Meyers ("Listening to Love") I began to see through a different lens. The transition was not an easy one but this new voice beckoned me to follow in the most gentle of ways. The first step for me was coming to grips with the fact that I had control over almost nothing...except for my thoughts and my choices. I couldn't control how others treated me. I couldn't control the way my ex-husband approached our marriage. I couldn't control the choices my teenaged children were making. I couldn't change any of the painful events that occurred in my past. Interestingly enough, I also had the revelation that I had no control over my emotions...and believe me, I had been trying to control my emotions for a very long time! It's really very freeing to realize you don't have control, at least it was for me. Once this little tid bit of truth sunk into my soul I began to understand that all of these things, all of these choices, were neither good nor bad; they just are. Over and over Pema Chodron encourages us to feel whatever is coming up in any given moment and then let it go without attaching a good or bad label to it. I had always been an emotion-avoider so this wasn't simple for me. I lived with the belief that negative emotions were bad and should be discarded at all cost. Thankfully I had a couple of close friends who treated me with such kindness and grace as I was learning how to feel and express the things that began welling up inside of me.

If we can move ourselves to believe that our identity is not defined by the choices that we, or anyone else, have made we will begin to uncover who we are at the core. Certainly our choices have a great impact on our life circumstances but they do not define who we are deep within, and it is bondage to continue believing otherwise. For me it was (is) very helpful to speak truth to myself, especially when life seems chaotic. I choose characteristics that are representative of who I am, or who I want to become, and then speak them to myself throughout the day. "I am an independent, capable woman and able to care for myself" was a favorite of mine when I was going through my divorce last year. And, I not only spoke it to myself but often to my children. My ex-husband is very skilled at home projects and it was the rare occasion that we ever had to hire someone to fix anything. I can not tell you how proud I was a few months ago when the toilet broke and I not only went to Home Depot to get the parts (where, I might add, the older gentleman helping me did his best to perpetuate the 'I need a man to do this' mind set!) but promptly came home and fixed the damn thing! Scenes from Rocky flashed into my mind as I triumphantly walked out of the bathroom with hands raised and loudly proclaimed to my oldest son "I am an independent, capable woman!". Never mind that my kids think I'm a bit whacky sometimes, I am living and enjoying the reality of who I am.

Our minds have the power to impact how we feel and how we live out our lives. This is why the mantra thing is so key. For the past 10 years I have battled against degenerative disc disease which has mainly affected my cervical spine. I've had a number of surgeries, including a 3 level fusion, and had come to believe that I would always be in pain and unable to do things I loved such as running, weight lifting and hiking. However, once I shifted my paradigm, I began releasing negative thought patterns and speaking positive mantras to myself. What began to happen was crazy! I started feeling better and was able to begin working out. I began to identify emotional connections to my pain and as I broke those off my pain would dramatically subside. Last August, just two years after my fusion surgery, I competed in the Danskin Women's Triathlon in Seattle. Crossing the finish line was an emotional and physical victory for me, symbolizing all that I have overcome. I couldn't have done it without practicing presence. I had to stop looking at all I had been through and quit telling myself it was going to be like this for the rest of my life. I had to engage with each day, each moment, singularly without running ahead to the "what ifs."

I'm finding it easier to draw myself back into the present these days, and I more quickly recognize when I'm looking back or running ahead. I want to say again, there is such freedom in doing this. There is a palpable peace in my life and I can see the benefits not just to myself but also to my children. I deal with crises and drama much more calmly and effectively now. I am able to love my children through unhealthy decisions and truly allow them to be who they are and not who I wish for them to be. And when a veritable flood of frightening emotions sweeps over me, I can take a deep breath, connect to what I'm feeling and then let it go without my mind getting all wrapped up in it. I remind myself in these moments to stay present and not worry about what might happen. Just breathe and stay right here, right now, I tell myself. Just breathe.