Peter Pan Won't Marry Me

After a conversation on a dinner date last night, I hopped online and typed in a phrase that a million women before me have typed ( I now know that, after reading hundreds of threads on message boards.)  Why won't he marry me?  I typed it in curiosity.  What were the reasons?  What did the experts say?  Was anyone's story like mine?

I'm not ready to get married.  If I had really just wanted to get married, I would be married.  At one point, I was engaged; but that always had felt wrong.  I still look at facebook and see the girls that I went to high school with who are already approaching baby number 3, and I can't even imagine my life looking anything like that at this point.  I'm not in a rush.  So even typing this question innocently into my browser may seem silly.  But I have to admit, it's kind of eating at me.

My current guy and I have what I consider to be a very odd relationship.  Maybe that could be said for any and all relationships--no two are the same, right?  But aspects of this oddness have always made me uncomfortable for various reasons.  He and started as friends and hook-up buddies.  It turned into feelings, more quickly for me, and eventually we were living together and identifying as being in a relationship.  But making that transition from buddy to boyfriend was tough ground to navigate.

I'm a skeptical and cynical person by nature (although I can cover it with enough syrup and sugar to seem completely content and oblivious).  But from the beginning, my guy and I weren't very affectionate in public.  I chalked it up to the transition, intially.  We were friends and we hooked up to start.  It wasn't something that entered our public personas.  Naturally, moving from "hey guys, we're just friends" to "hey guys, meet my ball and chain" would take some growing pains.  I wasn't expecting him to be holding my hand.  But as time pasted...honestly, as years passed, I began to wonder why sometimes we still acted as though we had nothing to do with each other when we were out.  Our close friends all knew we were together.  There was no big secret about it.  But even as recently as last week, I had a girl we've spent every Saturday with come up to me and ask if we were a couple.  I couldn't believe it was still so hidden and unknown. 

I confronted him about it, because it bothered me that much.  Was he ashamed of me?  Was he trying to maintain a certain look? (primarily, I'm single, ladies!) Why aren't we just more out there with our affection?  We've had this discussion before during some of our growing pains, but it had been a long time.  He didn't understand why I would still need to bring it up--especially after he had explained to me long ago that he hates public affection, his parents never show affection (actually, they seem to dislike each other), and that it had nothing to do with how he felt about me.  (standard--its not you, its me.)  I guess I just needed to hear it again.  Part of me feels as though that can't completely be the case.  My insecurities ask, if I were a supermodel, would you not want people to know that I was your girlfriend?  Would you not want to be holding my hand and showing me off?

He assures me that he loves me, and its just his own issues.  He also says he'll work on it. 

I have been having a very tough time staying in this town in my current job.  I really dislike it--and I'm tried of this place, but having him has always been the best part of still being here.  He's been what I've looked forward to coming home to every night.  For that reason, I think I now realize I've put too much stock into this relationship.  I have fantasized that he and I both will one day leave here and go somewhere else together--rescuing me from this boring and tedious day-to-day. 

Last night, that fantasy changed.  I've known for a long time that my guy is like many of the sterotypical romantic comedy dudes: he's allergic to marriage.  Blame it on family--he always does.  He says his brother told him that he got married too soon and regrets missing out on all of those fun party years.  His brother told him, don't do what I did--and apparently, it really registered in there deep.  He told me long ago that he didn't want to get married until he was in his 30's.  When he does (rarely) talk about married, he doesn't indulge in saying anything about me.  I guess he and I both know that by 30, I could be long gone.

Marriage came up last night on our dinner date somehow.  I don't know where it came from, but I do know, at some point, I was jokingly saying, "Are you wasting my time?"  I was joking.  Seriously.  But this morning, even I didn't see the conversation the same way.  He was extremely uncomfortable tackling the subject.  He stuttered over, "Marriage just freaks me out. Its so...final."  He explained that he felt that getting married meant he would have to grow up.,  And he outright said, "I don't want to grow up."  He went on to say, that he couldn't see himself getting married anytime soon.  "Just standing up there, all of that pressure, everybody looking at you..."  I wasn't looking for a ring by Christmas.  Afterall, I knew his deal.  But this was starting to sound like an aversion to marriage, in general.  And there was nothing special enough about me to make him want to get over any of that fear--at least, not for the next ten or so years.  I don't think love or wanting to be with someone even needs an age or a timeline like that.  Why would he be any more ready to love and commit to me at 30 than he would at 29?  I do understand wanting to have your act together--be established and have a job or something, but that's not what this is.

Also, his parents aren't exactly encouraging this relationship.  Its not that they don't like me--I suppose they think I'm fine, the little that they've seen of me.  But I think they'd rather he grow up and get a job and move back home instead of staying in the city for a girl.  I'm starting to wonder, though, if he's really staying here to be with me...or if I'm another great excuse not to grow up and find some responsibility.  Here's the thing--parents love me.  It's very foreign for me to not be a slam-dunk with these people.  Normally, they want for me to marry there sons.  My guy's dad in particular seems to still think that he is single.  When he has tried to encourage my boyfriend to come home, and my name has come up as a reason why he cannot, his dad replies that my boyfriend is a single guy--and the relationship isn't serious.  We're not married.  But it's not serious?

Since our dinner conversation, I've started thinking more--what should I do without him--because I think that will become the reality.  I don't want to wait around for a guy and sacrifice some of the things that I want to experience so that we can stay together...if there's ultimately no point to us staying together.  And I'm starting to feel like this relationship would be a battle that I can win...but maybe I don't really want to have to fight it.  I know relationships are work--but are they this much? 

And maybe the thing fueling it...more than anything...is the thought that if my guy ever did propose to me (gasp--before 30) I don't think I will be able to get our conversation out of my head.  For him...marriage means giving up freedom.  Growing up.  Don't something he has to do--but something he doesn't really want to do.  And if he did it before his magical deadline--I would think that he had been pressured into it...and that it had nothing to do with love or wanting to be with me.  And if he waited until he was in his thirties...and hey, I still happened to be around, THEN it could be me that gets a ring.  I don't much like that idea either.  I don't want to wait for a piece of jewelry.  I want to be with a guy that wants to marry me because he loves me and he values what we have.  I want for him to decide to marry me because he can see himself being with me every day and staying with me.  I want for him to be my best friend...and I don't want for him to be scared of what the rest of his life will be like as a "taken" man.  I don't want for him to think that being with me means the end of fun.  I want to have a relationship were the fun is in being together.  And I'm beginning to think that's not how my current beau feels...and I don't know that he ever really will feel that way.

If I fall in love at 30, fine, I'll get married at 30.  Dates and ages don't really matter to me.  But dating Peter Pan is like getting married in Never, Neverland.