First Kiss

Hunger pangs.  For the last month, I had been doing a lot of whining to my friends.  From the girls, I asked for their similar experiences--usually fronted by the question: "Am I just really screwed up?"  From the guys, I asked for the psychology of the male mind, "What does it mean when...?"  Despite all of my researching and good intentions--I remained completely naive and (let's just face it) stupid when it came to my approach to singledom.

My quandaries had a lot to do with "the spectrum" I apparently live in.  Let's say I'm in the middle of the spectrum (it is an egocentric universe, afterall).  The two male figures recently inducted into my life...well, they hang on complete opposite ends of that spectrum.  Neither of which was very satisfying to my wants and needs.  J had become a distant afterthought.  After a yet another rejected invitation to come out and spend time with me and a group of people from work, I (and several of my friends who heard my whining) decided to throw in the towel for good.  I figure, if a guy actually likes you and wants anything from you, he'll make himself available to get it.  J just didn't seem committed to doing anything with me, other than occasionally flirting at work.  I was disappointed, but I took the quasi-rejection in stride and set about essentially ignoring him, other than to say hello on occasion.  Marathon Man was a completely different story.  If J is confusing, wishy-washy, and immature--27 year old Marathon Man lives in the land of honesty--where very clear intentions are made known...infinitely too early on in a relationship.  Let me explain.

After a couple of fun phone conversations, I had agreed to a REAL first date with my runner.  It was a goregous day when we headed outside to play disc golf--basically, golfing with smaller frisbees and baskets.  I was in love with the idea.  Here was a guy who loved to be outdoors, active, and do off-the-wall things.  I felt as though he had put a lot of thought into this date--I had never been disc golfing before, nor had I really even heard of it--and I seriously appreciated the depature from the standard dinner and movie.  I was pretty terrible at disc golf.  I have never mastered the perfect frisbee throw--and apparently that's pretty important.  However, my lack of knowledge gave my date an excellent 'in' to touch me and show me how it was done.  I could tell he was very interested from the way he continued to find excuses to touch me in some way.  At this point in our outing, I didn't mind. I was amazingly comfortable around him, and I was having a really good time.  Here was a guy who was incredibly clear about his intentions in the "world of the spectrum."  There was no doubt in my mind that he was interested in me, there was no doubt in my mind that he wanted to date me.  No games, no questions.  I found it refreshing to have everything so out there.  It felt grown-up.  It went downhill from there.

We finished disc golfing and he asked what I'd like to do next.  It was dinner time, but I wasn't really hungry.  "Well, I planned a back up,"he announced.  "Look in the backseat."  I became a little nervous.  What was back there?  Some towels...our frisbees...maybe a book or two...what did this mean, did he just want to make-out in the backseat?  Then my eyes caiught a guitar shoved between the seats.  From previous conversations I knew he could play the guitar and that he liked to sing.  Mind you, I have always been a tad cynical about romance and cliche romantic things.  The Notebook did absolutely nothing for me.  When I saw that guitar, my "ick" knee-jerk reaction flaring up.  He took me to a grassy field (no blanket...people always ask if he had a blanket...) and we sat there while he played and sang.  It was somewhat awkward first date stuff, but the guy had a really nice voice and I was going through his music picking out the songs.  Unfortunately, those songs also started to get uncomfortably romantic.  He asked if he could kiss me between setlists and I decided that would be fine.  First kiss in six months.  First kiss that wasn't my ex.  First, first kiss in almost 5 years.  The butterflies weren't jumping for me.  The kiss was just wet.  But he was such a nice guy, and I had been having such a great time...I didn't quite understand what was wrong with me.  I tried it again, to see if maybe I just had to wake myself up or something.  It wasn't bad...but it just wasn't there.  No magic.  No fireworks.  But apparently I was alone in that aspect.  Post-kiss, the night got downright strange.  This end of the spectrum went to town on me.  Suddenly, the confessions started coming out, and I sat there and took them like a deer caught in headlights.  There was something about how he had dated other girls but that he already felt more strongly about me than he ever did about them...he referenced the butterflies he had in his stomach....he asked if we could do this sort of thing every single day.  Suddenly, I felt like this guy was proposing...and I was nowhere near ready to walk down the aisle.  My panic button was blowing up.  Whoa whoa whoa...this is the first date....I tried to balance between not leading him on and not crushing him.  I still hadn't decided what I wanted from this guy--I knew I'd like to go out with him again, we had so much in common and we'd had such a great time that day...but I felt as though he was ready to throw me into another serious, long-term, long-distance relationship...and it became very clear to me at that moment that was the exact opposite of what I wanted.  I tried to tell him this in kinder words.  "I need to take things really slow, I just got out of a really serious relationship."  Was my first approach.  I decided it wasn't clear enough, it sounded more like I wanted to be courted and fussed over.  "I'm not really girlfriend material right now," I tried later.  Surely that would be enough.  I asked if we could just hang out again sometime and tried to hint at wanting to keep things casual.  I had thought he got the idea, but I left that night feeling like a mega-bitch.  I shouldn't have let him kiss me, I shouldn't have let him hold me, and I shouldn't have let him give me the "I've got butterflies" speech when I didn't have any flapping around inside me.  Here he was--a great guy who was honest and upfront about his feelings for me (very early on), who would probably treat me like gold, and who I geniunely enjoyed talking to and being around...but I was suddenly absolutely certain that I wasn't ready for anything serious...and I just knew that if he stayed around me, I would hurt him.  The guilt was intense.  I replayed the moments I wished I could take back, because once he'd started in with all the lovey-dovey stuff I felt as though I had been leading him on.  I took solace in the fact that I had made myself clear (or so I thought) of where I was in the grand scheme of things, and he couldn't fault me there.

I was wrong.  I was watching a movie a couple of days later when he called.  I didn't answer--it was a mixture of guilt and the fact that I was in the middle of doing something.  "I'll call him back after this is over,"I pledged.  Homeboy wasn't willing to wait.  He called three more times in thirty minutes and sent a text after each missed call.  Every five minutes my phone was blowing up--and it was always something from him.  I couldn't believe it.  With every call or text I became more and more turned off.  One of my friends immediately pointed out, "that's kind of possessive and crazy..." I agreed.  It's bad phone ettiquette.  If I'm not answering, don't immediately assume its because I just didn't see that you had called--assume its because I'm busy, and when I'm not, I will see that you called and I will call you back.  If you are calling me that much in such a short period of time, somebody better be dying.  

I called him back after the movie, hesitant.  "Hey there...sorry I missed your...six calls,"I started, dipping a toe in the water.  "Everything okay?"  "Oh yeah," he chirps.  "I was just bored."  I kept the phone call much shorter than any of our previous ones.  Upon hanging up, I discussed the situation at length with one of my friends.  "He's crazy," was her consensus.  I wasn't ready to throw in the towel on Marathon Man, but my interest level was rapidly declining.  I was freaking out at the thought of being someone's girlfriend again.  I have been single for six months-ish now.  At first I didn't enjoy my freedom because I was still lost in the sadness and the absense of a person who shares everything with you.  Recently however, I've found that I love being able to go wherever, whenever, and speak to whomever I please.  I enjoy not having to keep up with someone else--phone calls and fights and drama.  Instead, I take myself out.  I also love the feeling of not knowing what's next.  At any moment, I could set out on an adventure.  My life is mine again, and I'm not ready to give up on the freedom.  This revelation prompted a lot of questions though like, Am I still just really messed up from my last relationship?  Is it me, or is it Marathon Man?  Afterall, on paper, this guy is a bizarrely good fit for me--but when it came to the romance, I found myself in panic mode.

I spent the next couple of weeks walking on eggshells with him.   We talked and even went out on another very casual date, but I think he started to get the idea.  He did not attempt to kiss me again (to my relief) and I made it impossible for him to attempt to grab my hand.  I started to feel more comfortable again as he started to back off.  I think he came to understand what I wanted.  I will probably see him again, and I honestly do like him, but I need some time to figure out whether or not I want to commit myself to something again.  And then of course, there was the problem of J.  Even though I had essentially given up on him, my little crush wasn't so ready to run off on me. 

I was standing outside the studio one day at work counting up my hours.  No one but my friend Amelia was in the hall with me.  As we headed out to door to our cars she was smiling widely.  "What's that all about?"I asked, amused.  "J was staring at you and I caught him,"she grinned.  "What?  When?"those damn butterflies can sure resurface fast.  "Just now.  He was in the studio and he was just full-on staring at you through the window.  Then he saw me standing next to you, then he saw that I had caught him and he gave me this really sheepish grin."  "Oh my God, I didn't even notice!"I grinned.  I was loving this story.  I would have to replay it in my head like a movie later.  "That's the best part,"she agreed.  "You were just minding your own business and you weren't doing anything sexy or obvious and he was just watching you."  "Huh,"I grinned.  My butterflies were back, and I tried to keep them quiet.  One look didn't make up for rejected chances to actually hang out with me.  Until two nights ago.

A couple of friends and I headed out the night before Halloween.  We ran into two of J's friends and proceeded to spend the rest of our evening in their company.  I was trying to work myself into a situation.  "Why don't you guys ever come and hang out with us?"I asked J's friend.  "We do sometimes,"he insisted.  "Well we need to do it more.  We should get a group together tomorrow night and go bar trick-or-treating!"I suggested.  "Okay, sure, that sounds like fun,"J's friend agreed.  This was the type of thing that would be hit or miss.  We still didn't exchange phone numbers and there would be a lot of people out at a lot of bars.  It probably wouldn't happen.  I made one last attempt in vain as I was getting dropped off at the end of the night.  "Okay, you get your posse together for tomorrow night and I'll get mine,"I said just before I was about to slam the door.  That's when my fabulous but drunk and stupid gay friend outed me.  "She just means J,"he interupted me.  "No,"I tried to counter, but it was too late.  "Yes that is what you mean.  She just means J."  "Maybe you just mean J,"I stuttered  before shutting the door, embarassed.  Apparently I spent the drive home complaining to my other friend, "I can't believe he just outed me!"

But at the same time...I felt almost...confident in the situation.  I felt pretty sure J's friend would relay this conversation to J...and then I would finally see for sure what happened.  I looked pretty hot on Halloween.  Not gonna lie.  I had never really dressed up in a sexy costume before...but as a newly single girl, I felt I deserved some free drinks.  I went as a very naughty Harry Potter wizard.  Still funny and nerdy enough to appeal to my sense of humor, still sexy enough to feel good about myself.  We headed to a bar having a huge costume party.  I became disappointed when I walked in the door.  There were so many people there....it had cost ten dollars to get in...there was no way I was going to see J that night.  Who wants to pay $10 cover anyway??  I resolved to have a good time anyway.  We pushed our way to the front to see the band and danced and sang.  

Well...it's Halloween...and I know its suppose to be a night of mayhem...and freaky things...Well suddenly, like a ghost, J and two of his friends appeared out of nowhere.  I turned to my friend in disbelief.  "Its going to happen tonight,"I said, not really understanding it myself.  "Yeah...I think you're right."  Ever since I had developed this little crush...I had wanted nothing more than to kiss J.  I'd though about tossing it on my bucket list, but it seemed like a goal that would seriously depress me when I never reached it.  All the same, I had wanted to get a hold of him for months now.  And somehow, my goals felt a lot closer.  I went in for the kill and gave him a huge hug.  What the hell, I could pretend to be drunk.  It worked.  I had a couple of guys trying to dance up on me, and I let them for a song or two, but that seemed to open the door for J to dance with me as well.  He was dancing around one of my friends, who eventually just pushed the two of us together.  I didn't have another partner the rest of the night.  You get really close to someone while dancing...for instance...the amount of touching J and I had in the past was extremely limited--mostly I had just slapped him.  Now our fingers were tangled in each other's hair, his face was tucked into my neck, and there was a bulge pressed firmly into my backside.  Did J like me?  Yeah, last night I believe he did.  

Every time one of us would leave to go get something or talk to someone we would pull the other close to hear over the music and let them know we would be right back.  My lips even caught his ear a couple of time, and my cheek continued to brush again his.  When another guy tried to dance with me, J cut in.  I was in heaven.  I had set my purse down by a table where J and his three friends had made a fort.  I noticed they had all cleared out though, odds were to go and play pool.  I hurried over there to move my purse closer to where I could supervise it when J appeared.  He was holding my friend's purse and explained, "Charlie wants me to come play pool.  I'd much rather keep dancing with you, but he's making me."  I played dumb like I couldn't hear him and leaned in closer.  He wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me in. I threaded my own around his back.  I leaned closer to his ear and said, "Wait, what?  Are you guys leaving?'  "No, no, we're just gonna go play pool and I was going to take her purse.  I just didn't want you to think someone had stolen it."  I leaned back to look him in the eyes and nodded.  "Oh okay," I smiled.  And then I got sucked into the Twilight zone.  He leaned in and kissed me.  Once...twice....three times...I kissed him back but just as he began to part my lips to seriously deepen our kiss I pulled out, stunned.  "Okay then, go play your game of pool,"I smiled at him.  "Alright," he agreed.  "You're welcome to come."  I nodded and told him I might be over in a couple of minutes.  I floated over to my friends still on the dancefloor who hadn't seen my mini-makeout session.  "He just kissed me,"I murmured, wide-eyed.  "OH MY GOD!"both of my friends threw their arms around me.  'That is AMAZING!"  I re-lived all of the details with them...screaming like a 5 year old.  I was in an alternate universe.  How had that happened?  I had wanted it so badly...and it actually really happened.  It REALLY happened.  

It wasn't much longer when the bartenders announced last call.  I ran over to close my tab and J and his friends found us.  They were very ready to leave, but he was lingering.  I had no shame in touching him.  I was constantly in contact with him in some way.  He held onto my pinky finger as we left the bar.  J had driven the other boys and they were bugging him to leave--but I desperately wanted to kiss him again, just not when everyone was watching.  We stood outside, somewhat separated from the group, but not far enough away to slip another kiss in.  We just talked for a little bit.  I thought about telling him that I had wanted to kiss him for a really long time but thought better of it.  Instead I said, "Hey guess what?" "What?"  And I kissed him on the cheek.  He returned the favor.  He was also big on kissing my hair--very sweet, very gentle.  This kind of romance...maybe the drunk kind...I was definitely into.  Except I wonder how intoxicated J was.  Its something that has somewhat bothered me in hindsight.  Would he regret kissing me in the morning?  Would it make things awkward at work?  I'm determined to not let it.  Hopefully it will just open other opportunities to do it again.  'You're like...the coolest girl I've ever met," J announced as we stood there.  "You liar,"I countered.  Probably a line, and it certainly couldn't be true.  He didn't know that much about me yet.  "No," he insisted.  "Why would you say that?  I don't lie.  I'm not lying to you."  "Haha, alright then,"I said, just happy to have him acknowledge that he enjoyed my company, at the very least.  

Then he drove away, and as Halloween came to a close...I wondered if I'd be able to come around J in the same way without my Halloween-mask on.  Perhaps this was just one random night of mayhem, something I had been fantasizing about for ages now and that could only become real on a night when nobody is really themselves.  Who knows.  I guess it will be interesting to see how things progress or become awkward from here.  But I guess I ultimately got what I wanted.  I had been trying to figure out how to kiss J for ages.  I got it.  Now the only problem...I'm still not satisfied.  I'm going to have to figure out a way to do it again.