Next stop: MEville!!

As I sit here typing this I am inside my husband's van on some neighborhood street in Patterson, California. Don't ask me how we got here, or, how I would get home (home is in Santa Clara, CA, just outside of San Jose. Like I said, I am not exactly sure how far away, I just know it is far). Now before you think he is kidnapping me or something, rest assured he is not. I have full access to my cell phone and credit card, although if I needed to call the police all I could say is, "Ummm, I'm by a red fence near an empty field, by some houses." So while I am not literally being kidnapped at times I feel that I am… metaphorically-- my mind, my spirit, my soul. Because while I love my husband dearly, this road trip is all about him. Something he wanted. And I just got tired of saying "no."

Our current stop in Patterson is all about Andrew's dream of becoming Monopoly's Uncle Milton, finding a "steal of a deal" as an investment to grow our family nest egg faster than our bank's interest rates seem to be doing. And the stock market, well, we won't go there. I, however, would like him to take interest in improving our home back in Santa Clara, before he thinks about adding another thing to take care of on our plate. This is how it seems to go. He gets ideas, and I go along with them. Yet, I end up doing all the work. He gets to dream. I get to do. Fun, NOT.

And I guess I am just getting tired of seeing my dreams sidelined altogether. It is almost the close of 2011 and the goals and hopes I had set for myself have all but disappeared. Erased and removed by taking care of others, putting other people's needs before my own. Continuing to hope that tomorrow will bring what I wanted for yesterday, yet never being able to fully break the cycle to really change course. Re-prioritizing, making to-do lists, doing, not-doing, nagging, begging, journaling, crying, meditating, you name it, I've tried it. At the end of the day, at least as I sit here in this Toyota Sienna, it all seems like I've just been rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Until I really figure out how to get around that damn ice berg, this ship is still going down.

The eternal optimist in me says there is still time. Keeping me from totally resenting this trip, I am using this time off from work and away from the house to do a lot of thinking, recharging, resetting my course. And part of what I have realized is that I may need to get some help mapping my way. I am thinking about going to a counselor for a while. I hired a life-coach a couple years ago and she really helped to jump start my professional life here in California, shortly after I moved. But now I feel that there is a few more pieces to the puzzle that I am missing, that a counseling ear could help me find. I believe that where we are at in the present moment is the result of choices or circumstances that have been thrust upon us. If we aren't happy or contented or whatever "it" is for you, it is because there is something to figure out, understand, or learn from your past. When you learn it, you let it go, and you won't relive it again.

Footnote: I've been away from Skirt for awhile. I tried launching my own blog, but oddly, once I did, I wasn't inspired to write for it. I haven't completely figured out why. All I know is that I like writing for Skirt because this is a safe space for me. I feel supported and understood by the community of women that blog on this site. I feel a connection to a humanity of women of whom I've never even met. This is very powerful for me. This is a spectrum of how I see the world. That we are all connected in some way. That what everyone wants, on some level, is just to be heard and to be validated. I'm not saying that I couldn't get there eventually with my own blog, or that it wouldn't be hard to cross post on two blogs. But really, why? I would rather focus my time and energy on creating great writing for a community ready to hear it, rather than have to create the content AND build the community. As the saying goes, "It takes a village." Thanks for being here Skirt!