Rated M for mature.

If you are not familiar with The Onion newspaper, you should check out their website. http://www.theonion.com/ 

I wrote this column for a class project. The Onion readers LOVE this type of stuff. It has foul language and graphic images, so only read if you're ready.

 

Title: This is What You Fucking Get, Sara.

 

I can’t believe you fucking left me again. What is up with is shit? I go to sleep between your legs, and when I wake up you’re long gone. I’m not a low-class hooker, Sarah. You can’t just cuddle with me, and then wake up and leave without even saying a word. You never even wake me up! You just leave me abandoned like I’m a used condom in a trashcan. 

 

Well, I’m sick of your shit Sarah. Every day when you stare into that mirror and ask yourself if you look fat in that God-awful disaster of a dress you’re wearing, I wish you could understand me when I bark, “you look like a fuckin’ hippo!” Of course you look fat you idiot; don’t you ever turn around and see your thick ass? I mean, shit, Sarah; your ass is big enough to be featured as the ass for The Biggest Loser billboard.

 

I am just so irritated with you. Don’t you understand what I need? I spent two years behind bars watching dog after dog get adopted. It wasn’t until you came along with your curly locks that I realized here is my chance to find a home. I knew just how to work you, too. The moment I saw you I knew you haven’t been laid in a long time; I knew you were craving attention, and I realized I could give you the attention you were so desperate for.

 

 But now I see you didn’t want attention; you just wanted someone to come home to and to sleep with. So here I am again. Alone in this stupid house with nothing to do. Well, I am going to show you, Sarah. I am going to show you why you don’t leave a puppy like me alone.

 

Hmmm… what do to, what to do. There are so many options here. So many things for me to fuck up for you. I think I’ll start in the bathroom, you know where you keep that toy of yours, the one that vibrates insanely loud and makes you scream like you’re a rape victim. By the way, if I were the rapist I would murder you right after your first squeal. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what you sound like, but it’s somewhere between a baby gorilla and an Asian slut. Either way it’s fucking annoying. No wonder no male human has come over to bone you.

 

Ugh, and this toy tastes disgusting. It’s worse than eating my own crap. I know you don’t actually have to taste it, Sarah, but the least you could do is wash it after you use it. Oh wait, that’s my job. I’ll just drop it right here on the floor, lift up my little leg and piss all over it. Oh, there it goes. Nice and warm all over your precious toy. Now all I have to do is carry it back to where I found it and, by the time you get home, it’ll be dry and you will have no idea that I pissed all over it.

 

Now it’s time to take a shit and guess where I am going to do it, Sarah. Bingo! Right in the corner of your closet. The rotten, putrid smell of animal dung will drench all your clothes before you even realize I took a huge dump by your fake Louis Vuitton pumps.

 

Mmm… there you go; it’s all fresh and smelly for you.

 

What was that?! I hear something…. Sounds like footprints. And that smell, what is that smell? It smells like mosquito repellent… where have I smelled this before?

 

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! It’s you! You’re home!!

 

Bark, bark… bark bark. My tail is wagging so fast it feels like it is about to propel off.

 

Oh yes, scratch the belly. That’s the spot. Oh Sarah, you are just so nice to me. I love you.