Don't do anything stupid and other bad advice

"Don't do anything stupid."

This isn't inherently bad advice; I mean, who can argue with "don't do anything stupid"?

Except, try as I might, I find that in my existence as a human being, I tend to do things that are human, thus, I tend to do silly, stupid, dumb, clumsy things all the time; and unfortunately, because I'm, y'know, human, recognizing something as a bad-fucking-idea only happens in retrospect (or I wouldn't have done it in the first place, duh).

But here I am, chaffing over some really stupid words said by a friend when I said I had anxiety about going over to Afghanistan--not because of the security issues (which are real and I do have a reasonable awareness of them), but because the military--with whom I'll be working--has a particularly terrible track record with sexual assault.

So, I have anxiety about it and his response was "just don't do anything stupid". Um, duh, but unfortunately, most people consider being a woman as both "doing something stupid" and inviting pretty much any crap that you get.

I could spend time deconstructing how typical this comment is in rape culture or how futile it is to say something like "you--a potential victim--can do something to prevent sexual assault" (not really, because whatever you do, it will never be enough... damned rapists still some how manage to get through the impenetrable forcefield of "no sex without consent"), but I don't want to.

I mostly want to talk about how I feel I've been slapped in the face.

Have I been talking to a wall for years now? How do you not get it?  How can someone,who has said they've learned a lot from me and I've changed their mind about a lot of things, still say something this offensive and insensitive and out of touch?

"Don't do anything stupid"????... grrr.... So's your face.

Today, when I've finally decided to blog about something that has been bugging me for two or three weeks, I'm pulling strength from this brilliant piece, which explains why a male friend can say--with a straight face, without realizing how patronizing and ridiculous it is-- "just don't do anything stupid".

In the words of the author:

"...that the subject[of rape] could never come up among men is simply astounding. And yet I am assured by the men in my life, it does not. Of the issues with which they concern themselves, sending them into tumbling debates about what should be done and how best to solve the problem—the environment, poverty, encroachments on civil liberties, etc. etc. etc.—the fact that one out of four women will be raped in her lifetime, and many more yet victims of domestic abuse, rarely, if ever, makes the list. How can it be that so many men and women live such different lives?"

I know as a woman I'm going to care a little bit (a lot) more, have thought a little bit (a lot) longer, and be concerned with the ever-present threat of sexual assault a little bit (a lot) more than my male friends. Men actually don't think about it all that often. They don't worry about rape. They're not constantly reminded how sexual assault is inevitable and yet (somehow) preventable--thus when it does happen, it is because we have "done something stupid".

I get it, I do. It doesn't make it less upsetting.

Eventually, I'm going to forgive my friend (or at least let it go) for exercising male privilege and blithely implying that my anxiety can be allayed so long as I commit to 'not do anything stupid', but for today, I'm still frustrated and, to be honest, pissed as hell that this is the world we have to live in.