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viewsMy mental disorder is named Joyce
By jenniefromthe603, Friday, July 23, 2010, 7 commentsI have something I want to chat about that might be uncomfortable. NO. wait. Let me start over. I haven't been blogging much lately. On either skirt or Insert Witty Title Here. I realize this. And I also think the quality of my posts have been subpar which you obviously agree with since my readership is down down down. I also realize that if you don't blog you can't very well ever get discovered and become a famous blogger (my ever relentless pipe dream). And there are always reasons for not blogging: laziness, work, school, eating chips alone while watching a Bethenny Getting Married? Marathon (and really what is with the name of this show? I mean now she is married. Is Bravo going to change the name of the show? And honestly having a question mark at the end of a title for a reality tv show is dumb. It's like how you should keep dogs names to one syllable. Not punctuation in tv show titles. Everyone knows this.) Anyway, while those above reasons are perfectly acceptable, the reason I haven't been blogging is because of Joyce.
Who's Joyce you ask? You've never mentioned this Joyce person before. Joyce is what I've decided to name my anxiety disorder. And yes I apologize to all of you who are actually named Joyce, please don't take offense. It's not that I don’t like the name Joyce but when I was thinking about this I was trying to think of a name that reminds of me a person who might be a "nice person" but god damnit annoys the shit out of me. No matter how much tolerance I try to have. And I came up with Joyce. ::shrug:: It should also be noted that I name everything. Again probably an OCD thing. My car is named Simon, my ipod is named Queen Elizabeth, my Blackberry is named King Louie.....and obviously my anxiety is named Joyce.
So this is where this might become uncomfortable. I'm going to get ruuulll personal. But that's kind of how I've decided to roll. I could make up stories or stretch the truth to give the blog more comedic value but I'm not that girl. Well I don’t want to be that girl. I also want to be the girl who is naturally thin, incredibly effortlessly witty, liked by everyone, has a great sense of style, has an amazingly clean house, inspiring career, no debt, dogs that don't shed, a fiancé who doesn't think Cool Ranch Doritos is a food group, etc., etc.…….::sigh::
I haven't been blogging because I've been struggling with anxiety (Joyce) in that crippling kind of way. Not like I can't get out of bed, however, I did do that right after I graduated college. I literally WOULD not leave my bed unless I had to work. Looking back it was very scary, and I also gained 100 pounds (NO JOKE) so it was intensely unhealthy. But, that's not where Joyce and I are now. Our relationship has evolved. I've accepted Joyce in my life, like a yucky relative I only want to see on Christmas (and even then it's uncomfortable) but for better or for worse, Joyce is in my life. Well if I'm being honest, as I have no professed to be being, Joyce is controlling my life. Bitch. She is getting in the way. And that is why no blogging.
Here is how this works (and this is just for me, anyone who struggles with their own Joyce can attest that it is very different for each person):
Something happens to me (and I don’t mean that in the victim kind of way, and I also don't mean like a tragedy- I mean like something simple or pedestrian) so something happens, for example, I come to work and my co workers go to lunch and don't invite me. Now there may be a simple explanation for why my co workers don’t invite me. Maybe they think I'm busy, maybe they don’t want to invite me- God knows I'm not always a ray of sunshine. But I don’t know what the reason is, and so Joyce and I have a little chat. Joyce convinces me that they hate me and that I've obviously done something wrong. And no matter what I do to move forward Joyce is sitting next to me incessantly talking about how awful I am and how awful I should feel about them not including me. And then I begin to focus on how many things about my job make me unhappy. Which leads Joyce and I into a conversation about how I don’t like working where I work and I wish I could do something different, I wish I could do something more fulfilling. So then I spend hours researching what I really want to do, and how much it would cost to do that, and then Joyce reminds me of how much debt I have and how I've made bad financial decisions in the past. And then I start beating myself up over having debt and not being able to take risks to get the career I long for. And now I can't sleep. So I'm tired and cranky and my fiancé starts to notice and then Joyce starts reminding me of the things in our relationship that need some work. And I start to worry about marriage and being married. And then having kids. And thinking about having kids Joyce reminds me of my childhood and how unhealthy it was and I start to convince myself I'm going to repeat those same mistakes. And……BIG DEEP CLEANSING BREATH…….
Do you understand? Two weeks ago my co workers (who I'm usually friendly with) didn't invite me to lunch and now I'm having a major melt down. Thanks Joyce. My mind is like a CNN news ticker, except there is never any good news. It's all negative self talk and Joyce. BTW I think that Joyce's voice is probably similar to Fran Dresher's voice in the Nanny or whatever crap name that show had way back. Or like what's her face on Friends (Chandler's old flame). God it's annoying.
I've accepted that Joyce is going to be in my life. She is a part of who I am. However, for the past year or more I've been working on either shutting her up completely or turning her volume way down (similar to what my fiancé does to me when I start freaking out about something trivial. I’m so envious of his seemingly innate ability to "tune me out." Some women might find that annoying but I think I'm secretly jealous. I wish I could tune people out. I also wish I lived on an island where I was the only person who got to decide who could come on or off the island-at my pleasure. Oh! I also wish I could teleport.) Ok so ways I'm trying to shut Joyce up:
Therapy.
Medication.
Yoga.
Exercise.
Methods I've tried and can tell you with certainty do not work in getting Joyce to shut the eff up:
Self medication (including, alcohol, sex, eating, not eating, shopping)
Denial.
Sleeping.
Reading magazines.
Internet research.
Seems easy enough Jenn. Take medicine and stay in therapy, exercise, go to Yoga and shut the heck up and write a DAMN FUNNY BLOG!!! Well! Don't think I don't know how easy it sounds. I do! But, taking medicine is the another reason I've not been blogging. Because taking medication for Joyce is like playing roulette. It is impossible to know what freaking number you are going to land on. In my adult life (18 moving forward) I've been on 5 medications (not including herbal supplements) and I'm currently waiting for insurance approval to try my 6th medication! I'm lucky. I have great insurance and great patient doctors committed to helping me kick Joyce's ass. But for the love of all things holy I can't express properly how incredibly difficult it is to be going on and off these medications like some kind of crazy train ride. Each with a new and exciting possibility of side effects. Tapering on and tapering off. It's overwhelming and exhausting. And I have no patience, which I have told is required for this game.
According to some website I found when I Google "how many people suffer from anxiety" (good quality research folks…only the best for y'all) 40 million Americans (18+) have an anxiety disorder. There they are the Joyces of the world lurking around in 40 million Americans' brains.
OMG!!! Side note. As I'm writing this I'm (eating hard boiled eggs- a little OCD compulsion I have, along with having nothing on my counters, a clean car and making lists. Even making lists of the lists I need to make!) AND reading webmd.com. OMG!! Ok so:
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Generalized anxiety disorder (or GAD) is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry often is unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships
This is me, duh.com. Boring part.....moving along. Not the OMG part.
What Are the Symptoms of GAD?
GAD affects the way a person thinks, but the anxiety can lead to physical symptoms, as well. Symptoms of GAD can include:
· Excessive, ongoing worry and tension
· An unrealistic view of problems
· Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy"
· Irritability
· Muscle tension
· Headaches
· Sweating
· Difficulty concentrating
· Nausea
· The need to go to the bathroom frequently
· Tiredness
· Trouble falling or staying asleep
· Trembling
· Being easily startled
OMG!! Could Joyce be the reason I freaking sweat so much????!!!!! She is such a hooker. Seriously. I had an interview yesterday (one of the results of the I-didn’t-get-invited-to-lunch-which-turned-into-MAJOR-LIFE-CRISIS-GATE-2010) and I was sweating so badly that I literally stopped talking and listening because all I could think of was how I was going to wipe the beads of sweat off of my forehead without her noticing. Gahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm now having anxiety about sweating and having anxiety. LOLz.
So to wrap up this over sharing -TMI- moment brought to you by Jenn (and Joyce) -anxiety sucks. Sorry I'm an inadequate blogger. Ok, no I shouldn't say things like that. It's not helpful. But only 105 of you read my last post. And that is causing me great anxiety. I've completely lost my train of thought. But I think my point is, I need to blog more and worry less. Well at least if I want to become a famous blogger……(wink)...ism.....
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7 Comments
Ok. Funniest blog. Ever. I
Ok. Funniest blog. Ever.
If you had written it 20 minutes earlier, it would have ended up in Best of skirt! I'll have to save it for next week.
I SOOOO ate chips watching Bethenny Getting Married last night. We are twins! And I love how brutally honest you are and making it all hilarious at the same time. If we can't laugh at all of this, then what else will we do? Cry about it. Nah!
I can relate to so many parts of this, as I'm sure many of us out there can. Joyce IS a hooker. Thanks for making me not feel so crazy about it all.
Ok Jennie, I will click your
Ok Jennie, I will click your blog a dozen times to make your viewer numbers go up! Does that help? Please don't go ballistic! LOL!Hate to cause you any more anxiety, but you were very funny, even though yiou are "not that girl"! Or maybe there is another side to Joyce??? Hookers just want to have fu-un???
On a serious note, someone in my family, I think may have this... or ADD complications with this...and I am trying to go about addressing with him. We see a psychiatrist in a few weeks, and I guess will go from there. I feel sorry for people who are afflicted with this, and know it can be debilitating. So thanks foropening our eyes a bit to the experience of what it is like to suffer with this.
Accomplishment - check
Jennifyle - You are already at 165 views, so you are up from your prior blog! Score!
~ Becky
Yay!
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday! http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/7/30/five-star-fridays-114t...
YESSS!!!
WOW...relate alert!!!
So refreshing to be able to laugh with you about this and see that I'm not alone! When my OCD is on overdrive, or my "ticker tape" brain drives me to exhaustion or I feel like "going dark" (my euphemism for needing to hide under a blanket for a couple days when things start pressing down on me), I know you'll be there with me in spirit!
thanks
Hi Jenn,
I used to blog here but haven't posted anything in over a year. Happened to catch this post and wanted to let you know that I, too, have an anxiety disorder. Writing (and humor!) has been one of the ways I've coped. Anyway, just wanted to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE and thanks for bringing this problem out into the open. I just started volunteering for a group that aims to raise awareness about (and fight the stigma against) anxiety and depression, esp. for young people. Best to you!!
abbyb
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