I'm back in the saddle again! BAAACKK!

Well look who it is.  It’s been a long time and I will explain the excuses reasons for my absence….but first I have to share:
 
Last night I thought it would be a good idea after having a couple glasses of wine to watch all the shows lingering in my DVR.  This led to a 12am showing of Project Runway. Which then led to me dreaming about Chelsea Handler making accessories out of pubic hair.  If that is a consequence of my actions I will make that decision again and again.
 
Now where have I been?  Here’s the list version of the story because I like lists and this is my first post in a while so I need to ease into this writing thing. You know don’t take on too much too fast.  And I’m lazy? Ok- a little.  Sooooooooooooooo here are all the verrrrry important things I’ve been doing:
 

1. Fantasizing about the day that Andy Cohen decides he isn’t really gay and then he becomes my boyfriend.  I think my husband won’t mind. Mostly because I think he thinks that I will just spend all of my time with Andy and then he won’t have to deal with me and my “antics”. 


2. Getting married.


3. Becoming a full on pinterest.com addict.  I’ll probably have to be on Celebrity Rehab soon.  Don’t feel sorry for me. Addiction is a disease.  A disease.


4. Going on my honeymoon in Antigua, drinking too much tequila on the first day on accident and getting a second degree sunburn on my scalp which pused and blistered and made me sick.


5. My husband got a new job.


6. Watching my cat Napoleon (now nicknamed Napoleon Bin Laden because he is a terrorist.  He is a terrorist.) try and escape every second of every day.  He literally is climbing walls. I do not understand this.  What kind of indoor cat is so desperate to get outside that he climbs walls.  When he gets outside he just hisses and low growls. He also massacred an entire family of mice.  Leaving their little dead bodies all over my house. Mice genocide. He has secret meetings in the basement where he is not allowed and then poops down there out of spite.  If he is not careful I’m going to send him to the International Court to be tried for crimes against humanity. 


7. Reading all of Chelsea Handler’s books. As a public service announcement I will say- if you plan on reading her books wear an adult diaper.  You will want to pee yourself often and it’s just easier than getting up and going to the bathroom.  She’s hilllllllllarioius.


8. Watching Battlestar Galactica and discovering ABC Family.  (begin pointing and laughing at me now.)  Nothing about the shows that I’ve discovered on ABC Family are worth of the “Family”.  Greek, Make It or Break It.  I mean come on.  And you know what.  I don’t care that I’m watching TV shows that are designed for 15 year old girls.  I’m taking a stand now.  I like bad TV. Deal.


9. Flying to Florida for a job interview, flying home, worrying about getting the job and then getting a new job.


10. Not doing my wedding thank you cards. Wedding thank you cards piss me off.  And I know that I am going to sound like an ungrateful brat and I don’tgiveaeff. We spent all this money – our own money –  on a wedding for everyone to come eat, drink and have fun.  Why do I have to thank people for coming?  People should thank me for my hard work.  And you can’t just do thank you cards like a normal boring person.  You have to tie them into your wedding colors and theme and make them awesome and make them the last little finishing touch so they have to be wonderful and creative and yadda yadda yadda and now there’s all this pressure and I feel like I’m drowning so I don’t do anything because I’m overwhelmed and my husband doesn’t even know what a thank you card is so he doesn’t care and then it’s been almost three months and you realize you never sent thank you cards from your TWO bridal showers that happened in April and so you just pretend you never got married and ask your husband to his face “who are you and why are you in my house” in hopes of avoiding thank you cards.


11. Going to Grad School.


12. Daydreaming about one day having my own metal chicken.


13. Watching the Birth of Being Born and The Lottery and becoming obsessed with Midwifery and Public Charter Schools; which has included lecturing my husband and close friends about both and building my own birth plan for the baby that I am not having for years. Oh the injustice of.it.all.


14. Being swindled by the wedding coordinator at the place where we got married, reviewing our contract with her, asking lawyer friends, inciting an email war with her, losing said email war, crying, fighting with my new husband and then having to send her a check.  Epic Fail.


15. Spending several hours lecturing myself about how I need to grow up and get my ass on a budget.  Making a budget.  Sending my husband the budget.  Lecturing my husband about the budget.  Then spontaneously buying my husband a new car a week later for funsies.


16. Deciding to blog again.