i found it!!! have i ever posted this here? oh man HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA

This is something I wrote back in 2006 and thanks to CRUSTY - who saves ALL of my emails, which really is just not safe for me- it is being resurrected. I have to also add that I had a therapist who told me once that this was unhealthy. This form of self deprecation was not good for my poor little psyche. However, it's funny. And I'm a whore for the humor. So suck on that therapist.

Everyone has a thing. You know like on Grey's Anatomy (oh yea, I'm obsessed with this show, it makes me feel like a better person when I watch it. And I like to make irrational parallels to my life and the show. Deal.) so yea like on Grey's, Meredith's thing is when she is feeling bad about herself she gets drunk and sleeps with inappropriate men. Poor George. Well my 'thing' = injuries. And trips to the ER for very painful and uncomfortable ailments. NO I don't have Munchhausen Syndrome I actually have injuries. THAT'S MY THING-THAT'S WHAT I DO!

I had a few minor bumps in the medical road as a child, as you will see, but for the most part I was healthy. You would never know I would grow up to be "Bad Karma Girl." (Again another term my therapist was not found of. Something about self esteem. I stopped listening. And stopped seeing her) When I was in high school I used to get pissed because I NEVER got sick and I NEVER got to stay home. My friends got mono and I got nothing. Apparently I was normal, I was healthy, boo hoo!

So here it is my own whacked out medical history. (please note that some details may be graphic)

-4 years old – biking accident, scraped my face wicked bad. Dr. lied to me told me the peroxide wouldn’t hurt on my OPEN FLESH WOUNDS. Jerk.

-4th grade-Saint Bernard bit my face. I was delivering an invitation and the dog bit my face.


-4th or 5th grade- while attempting to practice the stupid cornet (you know that instrument that looks like a trumpet- the trumpet light) I smashed my finger in a folding chair, like my finger was smashed in the chair as it folded up. I hated playing the cornet by the way.

**oh and I have to say this here. I never really got tons of attention for this accident as a kid so I can't blame my parents for creating the beast that I am with this shit. As I recall, I smashed my finger in this god awful green folding chair, ran down the stairs with the chair attached and my parents were like..."ok yea, so take your finger out." And inevitably my father said "walk it off."

-8th grade- broke my ankle running backwards in gym class. I tripped on my own foot. The Vice Principal carried me down to the office. This right here is a clear sign of what lies ahead in my life.

-sometime in HS- I keeled over while playing softball. No clue WTF was the reason for this. Although my mother was convinced I had an STD (bc she thought my BF at the time cheated on me) and I was having too much sex. I can assure EVERYONE this was not the case.


-97-98-nearly cut off my finger cutting lemons at the pizza restaurant I worked at. Seven stitches. However, I went back to work and continued to make pizzas because there was like a tornado or some shit and we were the only restaurant with power. This shows my high pain tolerance, my high level of crazy, and apparently how very not sanitary that restaurant was.


-98-99- bought a new pair of roller blades, tried them on went into the driveway fell almost immediately and almost broke my wrist trying to "do a hockey stop." I never used the roller blades again.


-August 2000-Knee injury #1 Rock Climbing tore my ACL but the Dr. did not know. Apparently the tear was tricky. So I went on my business (and by business I mean being a drunken college freshman) and proceeded to completely eviscerate the ACL by walking and being my everyday normal clumsy self. This resulted in a ACL Reconstructive surgery Surgery 2001.


-Fall 2002- a "friend" jumped on my back- causing a new improved knee injury. This one I ignored.


-March 2004-while standing (NO JOKE) I tore my ACL and MCL in my left knee and had to have MCL reconstruction surgery. Again I ignored the ACL injury.


-2007-ish I started swimming again as it does not hurt my knees- well while swimming I sprained my damn ankle. I had a month of physical therapy that involved shock therapy!


-April 2007- my week went like this-
Monday -MRI day-6:30 am apt to have MRI taken (at this point in time I can honestly say I have no idea why I had a MRI done in 2007- my guess- a knee injury. However it could have been for a shoulder thing…..because I had a shoulder issue that involved shots of steroids. But at this point I really don't know what this particular MRI was for) I remember trying desperately not to hyperventilate as I listen to Dave Matthews Band (because having a MRI is like being put in a coffin) and trying not to fart.

Tuesday-partial toenail removal due to ingrown toenail that is infected causing fever and serious humiliation. "Oh you cut your toenails too short." "Oh that looks like it hurts" BLAH BLAH BLAH
there I sat- alone with swollen toe in ER with many screaming children and feeble looking elderly. Ugh. And then I'm moved to the not so emergent part of the emergency room. Triage tech is walking SO fast, apparently didn't make the connection that I have a FOOT problem, walking not so easy.

Ahh my room, with mud on the floor and bloody pillow case cover. Apparently hospital is so busy cleaning is not a priority. 1 hour goes by-I episode of Law & Order (ironically about a case involving false medical treatment). 2nd hour goes by-now watching American Idol and opened door and turned volume up REALLY loud so as to be annoying and make sure no one forgot I was there.
Finally a diagnosis AND prognosis. partial toenail removal. various medical instruments being pulled out; large needle, scalpel; dressing; numbing solution; 4 pairs of scissors. Starting to feel very nervous about this ER visit. 3 shots with long needle to numb the toe. toe is now the size of bratwurst. (gross visual) doctor now literally digging into my toe and ripping toe nail off

J: "so this is what you were looking forward to doing on your Tuesday huh?"
Dr: not amused not interested in making small talk "well at least I am getting paid for this"

bloody toe now bandaged and can not wear shoe. but have vicodin. get lost in hospital and end up at nurses station in real ER....scary. this is my life.


-Jan 2009- a series of sleep studies and being diagnosed with sleep apnea. no big deal. HOWEVER....WAIT FOR IT....I had an allergic reaction to the tape they used on my entire body. Broke out in gross nasty hive thingys. Just not fair.

-Feb. 2009- Guess, just take a guess....Yep KNEE INJURY. This time I was walking, in not cute shoes, going very slowly. And I still slipped on ice fucking a different ligament in my knee. The people at the hospital were not nice to me and they were NOT nice to my friends.

-Aug 2009(?) - a window fell on my finger. And it turned purple. I cried a lot.


*Now I have a serious of injuries that I do not have dates for but they are as follows (not in chronological order):

-I sucked up a bee thru a straw when I was a child and it stung me on the lip. I could not get the bee off my lip.

-I was stung by a bee as a child in the forehead and my head looked I had an egg under my skin

-I was stung by a bee while driving and my arm became VERY swollen and scary looking while in Newport, RI.

-I cut the back of my leg shaving. The cut was at least 6 inches long on the back of my upper thigh and it hurt to wear pants.

-Broken hand due to bloody knuckles fight, This is when I became the "Paw"

-Frost bite due to walk home shoeless in snowy conditions

-Frost nip due to previous frost bite injury

-(this is gross) Tampon misplacement, now what is funny about this is I say to the Dr, (and I have a witness) "I bet this is what you dreamt about when you went to medical school huh?"

- I was bit by a mole in Pizza Hut

-I broke my toe walking at Water country

-I broke my toe tripping on a box the day before we were supposed to MOVE

-shot myself with an Epi-pen, the thing went through my thumb and out the other side

-while playing ultimate Frisbee I got a splinter lodged horizontally in my toe so deep I had to go have it removed by having my toe numbed.

-my boob swelled up last year it was knarley. some kind of glad blockage. very gross.

-I've had at least 3 issues with ingrown toe nails that end up needing "removal"

-I've had at least 3 knee surgeries

-I've been to almost every hospital at least once in Southern NH

I may have forgotten some ailments here, to which I am sure someone will remind me.
I own 2 sets of crutches, 5 knee braces, 2 ankles braces, 1 air cast and have a variety of stories to tell you. I have bottles of all kinds of pain meds that are probably now expired but I keep them anyway...like trophies. My file at UNH Health Services is as thick as Moby Dick. Pizza Hut in Dover had been accident free for years, until I became an employee and they continued to remind me of that fact every day until the day I finally quit.

What can I say? Some people have special talents like playing musical instruments- my special talent? Injuring myself.