I'm finally coming up for air after moving apartments. I'm still surrounded by more cardboard than any human being should have in their life, but I have an internet connection and my desk and computer are set up, so we're officially past the camping out stage of moving.

A few days after the move, my parents and their minivan (only my parents would get a minivan just as they become empty nesters--in their defense, a vehicle that seats 6 adults is pretty dang convenient once or twice a year and is great for hauling stuff) took my husband and I to Target for the ritual new apartment shopping. (We're carless and plan on remaining so. We wouldn't need it much anyway and the last time I owned a car, me and my perfect driving record were paying $200 a month for insurance, so viva la public transportation.)

While we were at Target buying a bath mat and a penguin shower curtain, I bought some underwear, as one does. Not being a fan of panty lines, or yeast infections, I get the cotton ones that come in packs of three or more. Here's the whole stream of consciousness involved in that transaction.

1. 1. Oh look, panties.
2. 2. I need panties.
3. 3. Since I've gained weight, I should probably go up a size or two.
4. 4. I am not going to let this turn into an attack of existential despair. I have become larger and therefore need larger clothes. That's all.
5. 5. Here are some cute ones.
6. 6. Oh look, there's a size chart on the back of the package.
7. 7. The chart says I need to go up THREE sizes.
8. 8. Oh.
9. 9. Well, OK, I'm not going to buy underwear that's too small, so I'll just have to suck it up and buy that size.
10. 10. They have loads of panties smaller than I need and quite a few larger, but none in my size.
11. 11. Oh, here's a six pack in the size I need.
12. 12. They're all white. The others are in nice colors and have stripes and polka dots. But my new, considerably bigger underwear is white.
13. 13. I'm stuck with buying big white granny panties.
14. 14. They're not going to make this easy, are they?
15. 15. Biiiig giant granny panties.
16. 16. I'm not even 40.
17. 17. OK, big white granny panties it is.
18. 18. And the package says they're wedgie free. I can get behind that.
19. 19. The next morning at home, opening the package and taking one out---wow, those are some big panties.
20. 20. They're the most giantest panties in the world.
21. 21. To paraphrase Bridget Jones, those are some truly enormous knickers.
22. 22. Am I really that big in my hips/butt/gut area?
23. 23. Hold panties up to my body.
24. 24. Apparently, I am that big in my hips/butt/gut area.
25. 25. Well, OK, then.
26. 26. Putting them on--hey, these are some really comfortable, well fitting panties.
27. 27. These are the best fitting panties I've ever worn.
28. 28. And (putting hands on hips, superhero style), they're wedgie free!
29. 29. My new panties are awesome.