My way: Rest and success

 I guess we're doing it. Or, rather, I'm doing it. I opened the business with partners and (to take the victim role in which I feel mired) they dropped their balls (yes, I mean that to sound bad) and the whole thing is in my hands. 

Two weeks ago I didn't want it. I wanted to close the whole damn place down and set fire to it. I had put everything I had into it for months, fought tooth and nail to get what I believed were the "right" elements down there and when it went a bit belly-up, they still blamed me. I was pissed off, humiliated and utterly exhausted. I had no desire to do anything with it. 

Today, is better. Not great, but better. Maybe it will be better in my hands. Who am I kidding, of course it will. Anything is better than a drunk and an ego-maniacal, 32 year old ADD sufferer trying to make a business work. 

I want it to work, I do. I want it to be everything I thought it could be and more. I want it to be the healthy, creative, inspiring place (I thought) we all dreamed of. 

I don't really want to have to do the work, but I guess that's OK too.

I thought it was my turn to rest. I was told that, I believed that, and it seems instead that I am being asked to work my ass off. Which isn't really a terrible thing. I do have some ass to spare. But I am tired. 

What I really, really want is a successful business that I can hire a couple other people to run and a writing career that pays for my shopping habits and my essentials. I don't even care if the business makes money, I just want it to take care of itself. I know the community needs it. I know I could do it. But i don't really want to do it forever. I just want to write. I want assignments to come to me, without writing 12 query letters a day, and spend my time writing and whatever else I want to do. I want to LIVE! I want the business to be fine without me, and I want to spend my time doing what I love; writing, reading, walking, hiking, climbing, skiing, swimming, dancing, cooking, decorating, shopping, visiting, and so on. 

I realize this is everyone's dream - at least the part about not having to do anything. I believe. I believe we are co-creators and that I can have any of this I want. I believe that I must simply fill everything I do with love and imagine my life the way I want it to be and everything else will fall into place. I believe that you don't necessarily have to work hard, you have to love what you are doing. 

I believe I deserve it. I have been working really hard all my life. I have been giving and giving and giving. I have been told that it is time for me to "rest and reap the rewards". Well?! Where is it already? I'm ready for the rest, not the harder work. 

But, I'm doing it anyway. Like brushing my teeth, I still hate doing it, but it just has to be done and so I will. I will approach the project with as much love and patience as I can muster. I will put all of my good energy into it until it is done and then I will watch as it grows into a treasure in our community. I will then lie down on my fabulous couch in my fabulous cabin and rest. I will reap. I will wallow in reward.