Marriage?! Really?

 My mother and I didn't hug when we parted the other day. That never happens. We ALWAYS hug.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for the last three years and recently began looking for a home. Not another apartment, not a rental, a home. With a yard, and a driveway, and (hopefully) a fireplace. Recently the search has gotten serious and we're taking the first tentative steps - pre-approval, home inspections and so on. My mom asked me about the house. We both should have known to avoid the minefield when she pre-empted her statement with "I probably shouldn't go there, but what are his intentions? Is he committed?" "To me? Yes, I am sure he is. But I don't know if we'll get married, if that is what you are asking." We had just crested a large hill and our conversation was racing us down to a bottom of certain disaster. 

I'll spare you the details of the half-hour-long conversation. Suffice to say I told her I thought he loved me so much that he wanted me to be free to leave if I changed my mind about whether or not we were meant to be together. She threw her hands up in the air and walked away. I retreated to my tiny upstairs apartment and sat at the kitchen table crying. 

What's the big freakin' deal anyway? Honestly, I want you to tell me what you think. I'm so back and forth on the issue, I'm getting saddle sores from the fence. I understand there are legal benefits to the "institution", but we can achieve most of those with a few legal documents. My question is this - how do you ever really know that you won't change? I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I believe he and I are meant to be together. Right now. I have felt that way for the past two years. Shit, I knew on some level within the first month. Can I say with certainty that I believe we will be happy together forever? I don't know. 

I want it, I do. I want the party. I want the dress. I want to walk through the park in 40 years still holding hands and looking into his eyes like a sixteen year old girl. The thing is, people change. I have changed. Life has changed. Are we really meant to devote ourselves to one person throughout our entire lives? What if we have soulmates for each of the different levels of growth we achieve? I'm sure certain people have the same soulmate through all their levels of growth, but I am one of them? I like the growth I have experienced. I like to think that the majority of it is over and I am a 30 year old woman who knows herself very well and knows her soulmate has been sharing her heart, and her home, for the last three years. 

We have a great relationship. We really do. Of course there are things he does that drive me crazy, but for the most part, we're practically perfect - even pushing four years in to it. We still lie on the couch draped all over each other. We still cuddle through 4 snoozes every morning. We still like to hold hands and I still can't get enough of his mouth on mine. My heart still flutters when I see him after a weekend apart. I still get a little excited when he calls. 

Why mess with that? Really? Couldn't I just get a great dress and go dancing with him once a year? BOTH sets of parents are really putting the pressure on lately. I understand; they think we'll go to hell, or just let our relationship fall apart if we don't say the words and sign in blood. The thing is, I want him to be able to leave if things get bad. I mean, i want him to put some effort in.. but if years go by and he isn't happy... I want him to be able to walk away - without the mark of divorce. I kind of want the same thing myself. And yet...

I want a place to rest my heart. I want to wallow in the belief - hopefully the truth - that we are meant to be together, that we will always be happy together and that we will fight our battles side by side. I want to have the party and then carry in my heart the knowledge that I will always have his loving arms to fall into, I will always be able to breathe in his smell and let the cares of the world, and the day, float away. 

Is it realistic? Seriously - what do you think?