His Birthday, My Breakdown

It was his birthday yesterday. I came home from work a little after five, excited. I had great plans to take him to the local mini car track and race, after a nice dinner. I called. He was out having drinks with friends. As he should, it's his birthday. I wandered around for awhile, getting things done and thinking he'll call. Two hours later I was dissappointed, but thinking he should do what he wants on his birthday, hang out with the people he wants to hang out with. And then a pang of sadness. Why not me?

I worked to let it go.

He came home later, told me about seeing his best friend, whom he doesn't see often, and the pretty girls he played darts with who told him how beautiful he was.

 Let it go, Jaci. And then the spin. I'm pretty too, though, right? It'd be nice to hear that once in awhile. Let it go, Jaci.

So I tried harder. It seemed I wanted to be angry with him. I struggled to remind myself it was OK. It was his birthday, he should do whatever he wanted to, with whomever he wanted to. Later, back at the bar with burgers coming, I told him what I had wanted to do with him, but that it was OK, I was glad he had a good birthday. "I thought you'd say something about dinner..." he said. But you told me not to worry about you and what you were doing. So I did. I thought. "YOU could have said something about dinner" I smiled. Let it go, Jaci.

He fell into a deep, drunken conversation with another female friend. It's OK, I thought. I do this to him too. It's just 'cuz we're sitting in-line at the bar. I can't hear anything. It's OK. And then the spin. Why don't we have conversations like that? Why don't I have anything to say to him, or he to me, that evokes such passion? Let it go, Jaci.

Completely drunk after she left, he opens up. Says he admires me because I have a positive impact on people. The warmth in my heart from this kind of praise is rare, and I relish it. But soon we are on to deep sadness, anger and bitterness at the society that he so disdains. These are the things I want to hear, part of the many reasons I love him, but in such a state... will it always be this way?

I don't want to be the kind of woman that thinks like this, is hurt because my great idea for his birthday was lost in yet another night of smoke and beer. I want to be the kind of woman that is happy, does my own thing, just doesn't care. But there is fear. Fear that this will only lead to further separation and distance between us. And then the spin is a cyclone, and despite my greatest efforts to reign it in, I cannot and soon it is out of control. The truth is it hurts. If I were listening to a friend tell me of these events, over and over again, I would tell her - with love - that he's not as in to the relationship as she is. And that she must decide, to hang on and hope for more, accepting that there may never be more... or cut and run.

Faced with this truth, I begin to wonder... I do not want to change him, I want him to WANT a change. Hoping a person will change, and staying in a relationship with them, no matter the context, is emotional suicide. People only change if they want to, and put their whole hearts in it. So how long do I hang on to hope? How long is too long before it's really time to let it go?

It's nearly 6 o'clock now. Nothing. Is it time?

But I love him. Oh, but you could love another. But I think there is still good in the relationship, still things I am learning about myself. You could learn those things alone. But I don't want to leave him. If I was meant to leave, I would want to. I always have before... Maybe you've gotten what you needed from this relationship. Maybe it's time to believe there is another who is even more perfect, whom would make you more important sometimes, who would make you feel wanted - not just a safe, convenient, more-than-friends. I thought it was him, I really did. And I thought I saw the possibility in him. You thought? Possibility? Is that really where you want to be? Sounds like the words of the abused. But I know he loves me. If I can just hold on to that... He loves many. And chooses them because they support him in this place. He'll want something else, something more, eventually, right? And what if he doesn't? How long will you wait, and hope, before your life has passed you by and you've spent the best parts alone?