Fuck.

How come that's all anyone wants to do ... with me?

Now, please bear with me ladies, I'm feeling a bit pissy and a bit whiney, and a bit of a teary drama queen, because I'm feeling a bit frustrated today by the state of my life — particularly my "love" life. 

How come I'm always the booty call and never the bride-to-be?

In every relationship I've been in I've heard one of the following:

"You're just not the marrying type."

"You're not the kind of girl I see myself marrying."

"I'm not in love with you anymore."

"I was only in love with the IDEA of loving you."

And other variations of the same thing.  

I've never had a problem getting dates (not trying to sound conceded AT ALL) but that's all they ever are ... dates. People like to go out with me, have sex with me, but they never want to stick around. 

The best advice professionals around, and my favorite (Dan Savage) would say, well, if this has happened in all of your relationships, then there's one common denominator ... ME. I'm the problem, but I can't for the fucking life of me figure out why. 

I'm loving, generous, caring, a great listener, always there if you need me, as loyal as a fucking dog, a great friend, affectionate when it's appropriate, easy going when it comes to trying new things or going new places ... what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't land a functional, happy relationship to save my life. 

I don't NEED a relationship, I get that, but I sure as shit want one. 

I want to date someone that WANTS me, all of me, not just my body. I want someone who WANTS to be with me, not someone who NEEDS to be with me. I want to feel desired, but I also want to know that the person I'm with is fine just BEING with me.

I don't think that's a big demand. It's almost too simple actually. 

I'm not expecting a prince, or princess charming. I'm just looking for a partner, a ying to my yang and all that good stuff. 

And yet it's impossible to find. 

Even in my current "dating" situation, I feel so unwanted. I'm "dating" someone, supposedly, and yet sometimes I've never felt more alone. I thought it'd be different dating a woman, but it's not ... still got the same bullshit and uncertainty to deal with that you do when you're with a man. 

I even have to share this person with two people I don't know on Valentine's Day. And I don't mean share in a sexual way, I mean I've agreed to go on a fucking double date to the movies on VALENTINE'S DAY. 

I've always hated Valentine's Day because I never was with someone who gave a shit about the holiday, and when I was younger I was never dating anyone on Valentine's Day, so I celebrated being single, or sat around with some friends drinking and being pissed off. 

But this year I was kinda hoping I'd at least have some fucking alone time with the person I am seeing. 

I realize it's just another day - a stupid day - but it's Valentine's Day and I'd like to spend it with the person I'm romantically and sexually attracted to, not strangers. 

I feel like I'm never enough for people. I wasn't for my dad, I wasn't for the ex, I wasn't for any of my exes, or they wouldn't be exes. 

What is it that makes someone enough?

Is it security? Do they have to have money and a job they're gonna have forever, plus a house and all that stuff?

Is it the willingness to be submissive and subservient? Because if so, I'm fucked. I mean sexually I could be submissive, but subservient - NEVER. 

Is it the pets? Do people not wanna date people with pets? I dunno - I'd always thought it was a sign of character and compassion if someone had pets. Maybe I'm wrong. 

Is it the fact that I don't wear push-up bras, or pounds of makeup? 

Is it the fact that I want the person I date to see and have the REAL ME, not some version of me they want to be with?

I just don't get it, and I'm pissed off with playing this game - this dating game. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, sick of being and feeling alone. I'm just sick of it all. 

I'm tired of being a booty call, the friend with benefits, the accidental other woman (twice it happened and I didn't even fucking know it till it was over ... I was LIVID), the woman people wanna date but nothing more. 

I'm ready for something more, damn it all.

So, what do I do?

Relax is likely the answer you're all thinking, but I'm sorry - I'm not really good at that either when I'm in this kind of funk ... 

If it were morning and I had more energy - I'd run this crap off - with every step the frustration would melt away and I'd be nothing but exhausted by the end of it.

I think maybe I should take up boxing.