Death is Never Fair

Death is never fair.  Someone always gets cheated…the loved one left behind; the mother, the child, the lover, the soul mate.  It may be a celebration for those going straight to the after life, but for those of us left here on earth, the pain is so deep that we are forever changed, forever wounded.  No amount of gauze could heal these wounds or ease this pain.

How does one carry on?  How does one continue to breathe?…to get up each morning, go to work?  How does one begin to smile again?  Is it okay to feel happy again?

I’ve often pondered what is worse:

to see a loved one suffer for an extended time, as they lose their strength, their mind or control of their body before they pass?
or
to lose a loved one to a quick death, without notice, without a last goodbye
 

I had the most amazing mother who lost her battle with cancer after a year and a half.  She went through hell.  She suffered all of the adverse affects that chemo offers; the bloating, the vomiting, the pitiful hair loss.  Her back weakened from repeated radiation and she was forced to wear a turtle shell brace that drove her crazy with discomfort.  She wasn’t able to hold her two grandbabies because she was restricted from lifting or moving sideways.  She had mutltiple surgeries of various sorts. 

She showed more grace than most would at such a difficult time in her life.  She fought and fought and fought...but we still lost her.

I didn’t know how to carry on after she passed.  I was newly engaged and wanted both her and my father to walk me down the isle.  I wanted her there to help me choose my dress.  I wanted her at my side to share the excitement at my bridal showers. 

She was my best friend, an angel on earth.  She was always my rock, the one I could turn to for her healing hugs that could make anything better.  She was the “wind beneath my wings,” and when she died, I felt I crashed to the ground.  I no longer had her in my life to help me fly.  I was lost.  I couldn’t visualize a future without her in it.   I couldn’t imagine a wedding without her, I couldn’t imagine going through my first pregnancy and delivery without her.  And what would a “girl’s weekend” be, for my sister and I, if our mother wasn’t present?!

Shortly after she passed away, I found myself thinking of questions about her.  What was she like as a child?  How long did she model?  Why did she choose to be a dental assistant as her first job?  What was it in her life that made her such a strong woman?  I wanted to know more about me, what was I like as a baby, as a young girl?  I had so many things that I had never asked her.  Details I would never know.  Instead of “firsts” all I could remember were “lasts.”

I felt so cheated.  I had the rest of  my life ahead of me, I NEEDED her….I WANTED her in it.  I was 26 and lost.

But I got the chance to say goodbye...

I have a friend who lost her father in a car accident.  In an instant he was gone.  She struggles with the fact that she didn’t get to say, “I love you” one last time.  It has been difficult for her to move on with the details and lack of details that were passed on to her.  Her father was supposed to be going to work that morning.  His car was heading the opposite way of his place of employment.  There were no other vehicles involved, no inclement weather, no drugs, no alcohol in his blood.  She struggles with the unanswered questions that led to his death. How?  Why?  Her thoughts are unsettled.

But then there are stories like this:

I received a phone call on the afternoon of  this past Christmas Eve…we needed to pray for a miracle.   

A week earlier, an acquaintance of mine was nursing her three young children back to health after a few days of the flu.  She began to feel sick herself, but ignored her own symptoms.  She ended up in the hospital and fell extremely ill.  The doctors discovered that she had a severe infection and put her in the ICU.  

Things looked bleak, yet when the priest visited the family at the hospital, the oldest child, the seven year old daughter, explained that she was supposed to sing a solo at the children’s mass later that day, but she didn’t know if she would make it.  She assured him she would try to if she could, so she could sing for her mother.

A couple hours later I received a call that the mother had passed away.  How devastating!  I couldn’t begin to imagine the fear that her husband had.  How would he carry on with his job, with the three young children, without their mother?  How would those children ever enjoy another Christmas holiday…ever?

Later that afternoon our family attended mass…that sweet little girl was singing the most angelic solo for her mother who had passed away only hours earlier.  I had to fight back the tears.

The story was in the forefront of my mind after church, as we went on to have a blessed Christmas Eve celebration with my entire family.  I was so sad for those young children who won’t have detailed memories of their mother.  They will have more unanswered questions than I do.

I felt cheated when I lost my mother, but in reality, I was fortunate to have my mother in my life for 26 years.  That is 20 plus more than those children had.  

I don't know what is worse; to see a loved one suffer for so long or to lose them without warning.  Perhaps one isn't worse than the other, it just isn't fair to those of us left behind...

The last couple days she was alive, I was able to say goodbye to my mother, I shared my deep love for her, my appreciation for everything she had ever done for me.  I just wish she wouldn’t have had to suffer for so long.  

I am a Christian and I believe there is a Heaven with God up above.  I believe he welcomed my mother with open arms that beautiful August day.  I know she is holding all of the baby angels she can get her hands on and gently kissing their chubby cheeks.  I also know I have the best Guardian Angel watching over me and my family.

My faith and the love of my family and friends is what has helped me through.