The Love Dare - Day Two & Still Flawed

Ack! OK, so I missed a day, but it wasn’t because I neglected my Love Dare (http://skirt.com/getaclewis/blog/patience-ticks-me). The book is quick to say that, if circumstances prevent your efforts from being on consecutive days, forgive yourself and keep forging ahead.

Since I’m hoping to keep my quest to stroke my marriage a secret from my husband (haha, that just doesn’t sound right, does it?), I found it next to impossible yesterday to create time with the computer. He and I spent the entire day together, traveling from our home in Atlanta to our nirvana on the mountain where we’ve built our own cabin – blood, sweat and tears! Our day was passed cutting boards and nailing them to the walls (will that ever end?) and our night included grilling steak on the deck and watching the fall colors fade into starlight.

Sweet!

But, now that he’s distracted by his meeting with the plumber, let me recap The Love Dare – Day Two. Destination: Kindness.

“In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness,” instructed the book.

I had several hours to plan, since his plane wasn’t due until the afternoon. So I conjured something magical, right? I mean this book is asking us to step outside the box and truly dive into our partner’s heart, nudging them closer to our best.

There are easy favorites that I knew would woo my husband well. He is a real sucker for an impromptu picnic by the river on our favorite rock. Or a home-cooked dinner after his trek across the country would bring a sure smile to his face. I could surprise him by being at the top of that eternal escalator in Hartsfield International Airport when he emerged and that would thrill him. Or there is always the obvious fallback winner: I could be nekkid when he got home. (I'm pretty sure all of those sweetnesses were standard when we were newly wed. Oh, days gone by...)

So what did I choose, on Day Two of The Love Dare, to demonstrate my undying affection?

PineSol.

Yeah, you read that right. Sigh. I did none of the doe-eyed, romantic kindnesses that would have left my beloved swooning. I did consider them, though. Seriously. I even planned to get around to one of them – eventually.

But he had just bought me a new vacuum cleaner two days before and, each time I looked at the carpet that had gone, oh let’s just say several months toooo long without a good sweep, I knew he did not need to walk in that door one more time after a long work trip and find chaos.

For several hours, I tackled housework and, trust me, this is not as big a no-brainer as it sounds. The housework should come easy to me – I’m home all the time, after all, and I should naturally be pitching in with at least that, right – but it’s a chronic struggle. So I had to adopt Anne Lamott’s “one-inch picture frame” (and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, run – don’t walk – and read her “Bird by Bird” book) just to get through each countertop’s clutter and smudge.

I tackled the downstairs first, since that is what would greet him when he arrived. There’s nothing quite like that smell of CLEAN when you first walk in the door, is there? Whoever made PineSol searingly strong was a genius. It reeks of “somebody did housework today!”

I had plenty of time to do that and the upstairs… but this is where what I am beginning to suspect is my adult ADD came in. Every time I finished a minor task, I would weave my way back to the living room and FLOP! Before you knew it, my laptop was in place and my fanny already sinking into the leather cushions. I had to check skirt! every five minutes, right? It’s an addiction! And then there were my Facebook friends, who surely had said something fascinating within the past 20 minutes. (OK, maybe I can't fairly blame those distractions on ADD, ha.)

Oh the time I chewed up between tossing laundry into the dryer and picking up random pieces of Bingo left over from my Sunday School kid group’s spend-the-night party at our place early last month. (Yeah, I said it – LAST MONTH – so ya gonna judge me now, huh? I can take it! I judge myself over this crazy stuff all the time!)

Anyhoo… by the time my husband called to say he was on the plane – OMIGAWD did he say he was already ON THE PLANE? – there were still piles of upended clothing in our bedroom, stacks of baseball caps that I planned to retire to Goodwill and general chaos in the bathroom. And, oh yeah, that brand-spanking-new vacuum cleaner was still parked downstairs, still waiting for its maiden voyage across the filthy fibers.

And so I began to backtrack. I mean, my husband was used to this state of disruption and he would be pleased just to see progress, right? He would be so proud of me when he smelled the piney scent at the front door. I was way too tired and disheveled by now to even consider tossing a picnic by the river into the works, and we still had our son’s football game to attend and OH YEAH I just remembered that one of my Sunday School kids was debuting in her afternoon group’s Mamma Mia! production and I had 20 minutes to get there, INCLUDING taking a shower.

So, yes, housework would have to be my day’s kindness. But that was good, right? I had been patient with him, too. We had spoken two whole times during the day and I’d only rushed him off the phone once.

So.

You know what I’m discovering already about this Love Dare journey? I thought it would give me a peek into my husband’s heart and ways to make it tick faster. But instead I’m being exposed to a real close, intimate and honest look at myself.

Ouch. I need serious work.

And so we forge ahead to Day Three.

He’s nearly done with the plumber and will be walking back into the cabin any second, firing up the bandsaw for our day’s work, so I’ll spare you the background lesson on why “Love is not Selfish.”

Well, except for the part that says “If there was ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. Love is never satisfied except in the welfare of others. When you prioritize the well-being of your mate, there is a resulting fulfillment that cannot be duplicated by selfish actions.

“Nobody knows you as well as your spouse,” it continues. “And that means no one will be quicker to recognize a change when you deliberately start sacrificing your wants and wishes to make sure his or her needs are met.”

OK, so for Today’s Dare:

“Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It’s hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, ‘I was thinking of you today.’”

Ladies and gents, trust me – I know we’re all broke. This does not mean rob a bank to do something special. I’m guessing an Almond Joy, if that’s his/her favorite, will inspire a smile of surprise.

Just make sure your gesture is all about your spouse and not about excuses or yourself. I Dare You!

(See you tomorrow.)

P.S. Day 3: http://skirt.com/getaclewis/blog/love-dare-making-my-honey-little-sweeter