The Love Dare

So I'm beginning The Love Dare today.

Did you see the movie "Fireproof?" I admit that I liked it. Yes, it discussed faith and Christian principles. Yes, it sported the perfect, all’s-happy-in-the-end conclusion. It even included its fair share of B-grade acting. But there was something about it that tugged me in and left me cheering and hopeful for marriages that seem surely doomed.

It's not an easy recovery. Last Sunday, the mom of one of the kids in my Sunday School class was tearful and so I pulled her aside for private conversation. She was feeling despair that her marriage, after a year-long separation, would ever mend and I ached for her and her husband and their children.

I know doomed marriages. After all, as you know if you’ve read my blog for awhile, I’ve lived through a few last names. I happen to like my current one. I like my current husband, too. My plan is to keep him for at least 40 more years.

But that’s not always so easy, is it? If you’re self absorbed like me, you find all sorts of reasons to find life less than perfect. I don’t even need anyone else around to feel dissatisfied. I feel it with myself often. (I’m looking around my room and seeing the same clutter that I’ve complained about over the past year and that wretched dismay with myself that surges inward feels familiar and maybe even comfortable.)

I’m pretty sure that it was that same insidious self-frustration that left me lapping up my last ex-husband’s attentions (before he became my husband) when it was adulterous to do so. And so, this time around, I’m on my guard. I look for the red flags within myself that whisper things could be better with someone else – that I could be better with someone else. When my low productivity nudges me toward action, I remind myself that the energy I desire will be genuinely inflamed only by living in purpose and seeking God’s face in all I do. When my self esteem sinks anyway, I notice how I am treating those around me and remind myself that it is insanity to do the same things in life and expect different results. And then I extend grace to all of us.

What does that look like? Well, usually it just means that I keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that I’m on a long, trustworthy, sturdy train this time and that it will take me to the end of my life alongside those I dearly love. And then I move over and make room for those same people to sit beside me without me snipping their heads off. Sometimes I even smile.

It seems to me that there might be an even better plan and I like my long-range intention - this growing-old-together thang - so much that I’m willing to try it.

In The Love Dare, a book borne out of the "Fireproof" movie’s plot, you commit to a 40-day journey toward loving someone well. Since my big plan is for 40 years, 40 days doesn’t seem too much to ask, does it? My husband won’t even know of my undertaking, but I’m guessing he will notice a difference.

The book’s opening paragraph sold me. It says:

"The scriptures say that God designed and created marriage as a good thing. It is a beautiful, priceless gift. He uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy."

And here's the part that's written especially for me:

"But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner. If we are teachable, we will learn to do the one thing that is most important in marriage – to love. This powerful union provides the path for you to learn how to love another imperfect person unconditionally. It is wonderful. It is difficult. It is life changing."

It goes on to invite us to lead our hearts, versus following them. It’s true that following my heart, and its fickle, feel-good wanderings, left me damaged and mortified time and again in marriage after marriage. I'm grateful that, this time around, I have felt no pinings for someone new to rescue me. But, to lead my heart toward that which is truly healthy and best in the long run, without the goal being changing someone else, is a bit of a new concept for me.

And so I’m on Day One.

On this day, I will lead my heart by choosing patience. "Patience stops problems in their tracks," says the book. I can see the wisdom in this. I’ve seen problems magnified through anger and impatience to even the point of violence in my past, so I like the prospect of peace instead. It is a goal worth vigorously – and patiently - pursuing.

Since I have been absent from my blog most of this year, I thought this would also be a nice exercise to tug myself back among the living. And so, each day, I will share with you "Today’s Dare" from The Love Dare and how it turns out for me with my husband and family.

Today’s Dare:

"The first part of this Dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret."

Tune in tomorrow to see how it’s going.

(Just for fun, I dare you to join me in this daily journey with your own spouse. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if more marriages survived or even – dare I say it? - thrived!

P.S. This is the link to advance to Day 1 -  http://skirt.com/getaclewis/blog/patience-ticks-me