The Soapbox Issue

I’m not hard to get along with, but if we’re going to be friends, you should know there are one or two issues I get a little testy about. For instance, please don’t get me started on congressmen with generous, federally-funded health plans (better than those of their constituents) who are against including a public option in the healthcare bill. Or Americans who don’t want the federal government involved in their healthcare but have no problem accepting edicare. Because if you get me started on those topics, I won’t shut up until you agree that I’m right. And don’t bring up the touchy topic of people who forward me YouTube videos starring cats that appear to be saying “I wuv you.” Everyone knows that if a cat had something to say, it would be snarky. No, really, don’t go there if you’re not prepared to have your cat kidnapped and shaved before I bring him back. And definitely don’t ask me what I think about the 30 out of 40 Republican senators (including two from my state) who voted against an anti-rape bill that would allow defense-contractor employees raped by co-workers to sue their companies (yes, Halliburton, we’re talking about you), which they couldn’t before. Because that might make me mad enough to slam the car door on your hand as you’re trying to get out at the stop light. Ha, ha—of course, I’m probably just kidding! And one more thing—if we’re at the same dinner party, don’t even hint that you think the Roman Polanski thing is all a tempest in a teapot, because, seriously, I will have to cut you. But really, I welcome your opinions and arguments... as long as I win.