My Rules and Revelations

* Don’t drink out of my water bottle–ever.

* My dreams are only interesting to my therapist (and sometimes I wonder if he’s just being polite). I promise not to tell you mine if you don’t tell me yours.

* Forwarding an internet joke, message from Jesus or chain letter doesn’t qualify as a personal note.

* No matter what concourse your plane arrives on, your connection is going to take off from another concourse at the opposite end of the airport.

* A year will not, cannot pass without a guy suggesting I start a magazine called “Pants” and then laughing his head off as if he’s the only one who ever thought of it.

* Just because I’m from Kentucky doesn’t mean I married my cousin.

* No one ever tells you the concert you missed sucked. It was always the show of a lifetime, and guess who made surprise guest appearances–Madonna and Buddha!

* A camping trip is not a vacation. I’ve seen all those movies about bears and serial killers sneaking up on sleeping hikers, so “darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue.”

* I’ve never had a power bar that didn’t taste like hay and sawdust mixed with nuts, berries and styrofoam beads.

* Menopause is only interesting to other women who are going through it. Ditto labor. Ditto weddings.

* If you want to pick my brain for free, at least buy me an expensive lunch. Or a present. Watches are nice. So are shoes. I even have some Prius-sized ideas.