The F-Word

I got so riled up by the local primaries in my state (South Carolina) last month that I decided I should run for office, any office, on the skirt! Party ticket. Could I do any worse than an elected representative who yells “You lie” at the president or one who calls Obama and a candidate for governor “ragheads”? So if I’m elected...

✪ I will never call South Carolina state senator Jake Knotts of raghead fame a “racist, sexist pig.” I might think it, but I won’t say it.

✪ I promise not to rail against government interference in healthcare while accepting Medicare payments.

✪ I will reveal all my past affairs and apologize for none of them. Je ne regrette rien.

✪ I won’t promise to take back America, because the last time I looked it was still here.

✪ I won’t run ads that talk about what a good Christian I am, because the last time I looked that wasn’t a requirement to hold office.

✪ I won’t play on people’s fears about immigration, because the last time I looked we aren’t Aryan Nation. By the way, why was the Berlin Wall wrong, but the Border Wall right?

✪ I’ll nag incessantly to get the Confederate flag removed from the Capitol grounds.

✪ I’ll visit all of our most shameful schools with a TV camera crew and the Boeing CEO. He should see how we’re training his future work force.

✪ I promise never to wear a red power suit or a pantsuit to show I’m as tough as a man.

✪ I’ll have a regular meeting with all the female state senators. Oh wait, I forgot. There aren’t any in South Carolina.

✪ My platform will be a pair of three-inch heels to keep me above the slime thrown in a typical SC election.

Clearly I wouldn’t be elected even if I could come up with the $10,000 filing fee (in cash, as one of our candidates did!), but I’ll be actively supporting candidates, whether they’re in my district or state, who give me hope about America, not the ones who are scaring the daylights out of us in order to get elected.