Discomfort is Living

I’ve figured it out. 

In order to really live, I need to be uncomfortable.

I have spent years trying to avoid being uncomfortable:

I never get up when my alarm rings, I always let myself sleep in for at least a little bit.

I’ve screened calls from friends because I wasn’t “in the mood” to talk to them.

I’ve ignored acquaintances I’ve run into rather than saying hello.

I’ve stopped talking to guys who were interested in me before really getting to know them because I didn’t think anything was there.

Until recently, I rarely ever initiated plans with anyone.  I always waited for people to ask me to do things.

I didn’t apply myself well to my schoolwork in college.  I always did the bare minimum.

Until recently, I never ever did any kind of volunteer work because I just wasn’t “interested.”

For years I never went to any kind of ballroom dance class because I felt weird having to dance with people I didn’t know, although I was dying to learn swing, salsa, tango, etc.

It took me nine years of procrastinating and ruminating to get the practice necessary to obtain my driver’s license.

I’ve stayed home rather than going out, eaten junk to fit in with others when I didn’t want to, refrained from learning how to play instruments, refrained from participating in open mic nights or talent shows, refrained from pursuing a variety of other creative interests, refrained, refrained, refrained, avoided, avoided,

AVOIDED.

And here I am now with no job and a burning desire to quit chilling at home and to have MY OWN LIFE.

Tonight I was uncomfortable, but I made it through and I realized that it’s the way I need to be.

I had decided to volunteer to usher at the improv theater where I am dying to take more classes (once I have the money).  I’ve taken classes there in the past so there were some familiar faces, but not many I am close to, so despite my outgoing, humorous, in my opinion, and fun-loving personality in non-uncomfortable situations, my shyness/awkwardness was there for all to see tonight.  I executed all of my ushering duties with the determination of a soldier when others breeze through it like it’s a piece of cake.  I looked away when talking to new people when I should have maintained eye contact. I cringed when one improv teacher asked me to grab an object in the room and I couldn’t find it, despite his verbal directions.  You know when someone goes, “It’s in that back left corner.  On your right.  No, turn around.  It’s right there.  RIGHT BEHIND YOU.”  And you’re thinking, where?  On the desk?  On the floor?  On that chair?   And they think you’re an idiot cause you’re not finding it, but really they’re not taking into account that you are not as familiar with this room as they are, etc. etc…yeah, I had one of those moments.

I stiffened up when talking to males I thought were attractive.  I didn’t say a word to a male acquaintance who was talking to my friend, who was sitting right next to me.  My nervousness and awkwardness was certainly on full display.

But you know what?  I got through it.  There were definitely times in the past when that “RIGHT BEHIND YOU” moment would have made me feel like a complete fool, or my stiffness when talking to boys would make me say, “Why am I like this???”  But I did not criticize myself tonight.  And I did not have a bad time.

I realized on the train ride home that this is how is has to be from now on.  I have to meet new people; I have to try new things.  I have to accept it and brush it off when I feel like I’m acting awkward.  I have to volunteer, I have to go out, I have to apply for jobs that I never thought I would apply for.  I have to be okay with the fact that when I do get a job, I’m going to be fumbling around at first and feeling kind of clumsy, cause that’s how I always feel when I start new things.

But the bottom line is that I can get through it, and I won’t have a bad time. 

Staying in your comfort zone may feel safe, but it’s not a life.

I want a life.