LeBron, Pretty Faces and City Character

Washington is not a city of pretty faces. Every town has its unfair stereotypes, but to some degree, I think it may be Darwin in action. Those with chiseled chins and sparkling eyes flee to Los Angeles. Some thrive, most fail, but the gene pool there is swimming with the perfect lips and lashes of wannabe actors. Those with brains and a certain stuffiness head to D.C. Federal bureaucracy and the National Institutes of Health your idea of a fun time? Are you most comfortable in a uniform of polyester navy suits and loafers? Washington is your town. My guess is that New York is the mecca for the most gorgeous, cunning intellect—if you can make it there, etc., etc.

Schlepping to the train today, I passed a rare marvel: a blonde goddess in a power suit. Her hair cascaded with a prismatic light. Eyes behind shades, her mouth alone conveyed a confident, almost purring smirk. Her legs and arms were gently sun-kissed and appeared to be ripped from a women’s health magazine. Cars actually stopped. The man next to me seemed to lose his footing, and I thought he might have twisted an ankle. It was like Athena slipping into Middle-earth to live with the hobbits.

In contrast, the rest of us are a sad sight. Once safely to the train, I couldn’t help counting the knob-kneed, the freckled and burnt, the frizzy-haired, pudgy, pin-headed and mismatched. This isn’t judgmental (I’m one of them), but rather it’s a fact of the environment. In places where leaves grow tall, animals with long necks survive. Here, migration patterns and natural selection have created a population best geared toward successful federal employment. I imagine two nerds bumping happily together in the twilight of their cubicle desk lamps, “Tell me again, you’re a G11, right, baby?”

This new insight into my current habitat leaves me heartsick for my old home, Cleveland. There, some people were good and some bad looking, some rich and some poor, some smart and something less than savvy, but for the most part, the fairest stereotype I can offer is a consistent, solid work ethic. While some cities might be the magnet of those with the greatest natural gifts, I’ve always thought Ohio was made great by those who were both talented and committed. Fine, you’re a great actor, are beautiful and can sing and dance—try your luck in New York. But if you can be a working actor in Youngstown, you’ve really done something.

Perhaps a clearer example would help. Let’s say you’re an athletic phenom, go ahead, go to a big-budget team, stock it with the best players and win a championship. Those things can happen in Chicago, New York or Boston, and fine, you’ve got a trophy, but what is your accomplishment? You’ve stacked your odds. Take a losing team and rebuild to have the best regular season win record in the nation, and you’re LeBron James.

That’s right, you thought you were reading a cute litany of Washington’s uglies, but really, this is yet another ode to LeBron. Tonight he will be holding an hour-long television special where he will announce his intentions. I’ve had a series of nightmares that involve Bulls and Knicks uniforms, but neither of those endings fit the storybook. The hero doesn’t battle for success, and when things get tough, sign a multi-million dollar contract with a higher-paying team. He stands for something. He uses his natural gifts to rally the villagers and save the day (here winning a team-first championship). He doesn’t jump ship (like I suppose I did) and relocate for a better gig in a kingdom far, far away.

I live in D.C., but my heart and sports loyalties are in Cleveland. For any other team, snagging LeBron will be a coup, but if he stays, he truly becomes a thing worthy of the hype. There have been plenty of commentators speculating about the dark fate that will be cast across Cleveland if LeBron skips town. It’s ridiculous. A city built on the backs of survivors can certainly hack (another) major league disappointment.

If he leaves (and actually, ahem, plays like we know he can in a final tournament) and wins, he’ll have the victory he wants, sure. But if he stays, builds the supporting cast he needs, then win or lose, that’s a story worthy of legend.

The King doesn’t trade kingdoms to hook up with a new set of knights.

I know it’s just a game. But having LeBron James in Cleveland has made the character of the place clear. New York does success. LA has sex appeal. Washington is wonky and a little rough on the eyes. Cleveland has heart, and I just hope tonight, that heart doesn’t get tread upon in a prime-time, one-hour special.