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viewsWhy Haven't You Said Yes?
By Amalia McGibbon, Monday, May 31, 2010, 5 comments
When it comes to feminism, there’s plenty of talk about gender equality on a political, social, and economic scale, but what about the power dynamics between men and women in love? Women may still have a long way to go in closing the salary gap, but where do we stand when it comes to equal opportunities in romance? Okay, it’s a broad topic, so for the sake of discussion, let’s zero in on a particularly charged, pivotal point in relationships - y’know the one: engagement.
A subtle shift is taking place in the eyes of women. Sixty years ago, you were lucky if a guy proposed to you. Nowadays, there’s the addendum that he’s lucky if you say yes.
I’d been dating my boyfriend for four years when my 85-year-old grandma pulled me aside at a family picnic and asked, “Why haven’t you said yes to him?” I explained that there had been no marriage proposal, and asked where she’d gotten the idea that one had taken place. 
“Well, you once told me not to pressure you about getting married,” my grandma said. “So I figured, if you had a vote in the matter, he must have proposed.” It made sense given the long history of he-asks-her proposals in which the man holds the decision-making power. But clearly something had changed, and my own life no longer fit the usual paradigm. My grandma couldn’t imagine why the ball might be partially in my court if my boyfriend hadn’t volleyed it over in the first place. But it hit me - there was no ball! Neither my boyfriend nor I had a monopoly on the decision-making. The decision to get married had become a two-way street.
Here’s what I think: It’s too modern an age for women to be sitting at home, wringing their hands, hoping their beau will decide their futures sometime soon. In fact, more and more young women are experimenting with putting their foot on the brake, stretching out the traditional college-to-commitment timelines, and even occasionally, gasp, hoping to avoid a proposal. (True story: one of my girlfriends gets nervous every time she and her boyfriend walk past a jewelry store for fear that he’ll get inspired and buy a ring.) Some might read that and think, “The rare commitment-phobe,” but increasingly young women feel as if the world is truly our oyster and it’d be remiss of us not to vet all our options and think twice before choosing “the one.”
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5 Comments
What a great essay! I really
What a great essay! I really enjoyed reading this. The last line, especially, is so powerful. Loved it!
Thanks!
Thanks Kimberly! :)
My co-authors and I interviewed scores of women in order to write "The Choice Effect" (many of whom are now blogging about Mr. Right, Mr. Wrong, biological tickings, etc. at thechoiceeffect.com!) and it's really interesting to take stock of this slowly shifting tide.
We even came up with a new word - "choister" - to describe this generation of young women who love choices and hate choosing. Basically, you're a choister if you feel inundated with choices and believed your parents when they told you the world is your oyster.
Curious to hear if this resonates with Skirt! readers...do you ladies out there ever get stressed at the idea of picking "The One"??
Still waiting
I feel very stressed at the idea of picking "the one"! I've been engaged once upon a time, broke that off and have the ring. Then, my last boyfriend supposedly was having an heirloom ring resized for my finger when I told him to leave. I may have a child, but that doesn't mean that I want to marry the wrong person and either be miserable or get a divorce!
Insightful
Amalia,
Thank you for such a well-written, insightful piece.
Though I'd been a "serial monogamist" since I first started dating, it was never part of my life agenda to get married. It wasn't that I was opposed to it, it just wasn't something I felt I needed to have to be a complete or successful person (thank you, mom and dad).
Two months after I met a man named Mark, I felt he was "the one". It was not a sentiment I'd experienced before, and I can't say it arose from him checking off all the boxes on my "ideal man" wish list, either. All I know is, I had a feeling, and I chose to listen to it.
However, for almost five years, I didn't have the feeling that I actually wanted to be married. Then, something changed, and I realized I wanted to marry this man. I can't explain what happened or why, but again, I listened. I "grabbed the ball" and talked to him about it. I still wanted him to propose (hey, a girl's still entitled to be a little old fashioned), and happily, he did. We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last year.
Good luck with your book. I'm sure it will find strong resonnance in this liberated generation of young women, and possibly our mothers' generation as they find themselves single again following the loss of a spouse to death or divorce, looking to their own daughters as relationship role models.
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