Is There a Right Way?

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“I really do hold to a personal belief that sex is something special to be shared only with someone who is truly a soul mate...and, let’s just say that at this point in my life I still haven’t found that ‘special someone.’” TM, 41, from my blog.

I, too, was a late bloomer sex-wise. Growing up, I had bought into the whole magical/true love/special someone scenario which, for me, translated into losing my virginity to a handsome, med school-bound boyfriend. He failed to materialize, and by the time I was 23, I was tired of waiting.

So I said screw it, and had sex with a guy I had gone out with all of three times who made some smooth moves on me one night in his basement apartment. So what if it was awkward and we never saw each other again? I was no longer a virgin and I was thrilled. Much to my surprise, though, I felt totally unchanged by the experience. I didn’t even bleed—my hymen was as blasé as the rest of me. I had saved my “precious gift” for this?

I’ve more than made up for lost time, but I’m still fascinated by how people make their sexual debuts. Is there a right way to lose your virginity? A right reason? A right person? I’m making a documentary to explore these questions called How to Lose Your Virginity. I also write a blog about all things virgin, from more than made up the abstinence-only movement to virginity auctions to artificial hymens. Several months ago, my readers began sending in stories about their own experiences around virginity, which turned into a series of popular posts called “First Person.”

Natalie, 26, was one of the first to contribute, and I relate to her feelings: “Around my 20th birthday, I began to feel ashamed about my lack of sexual experience. The emotional baggage that went along with feeling unwanted and ‘different/defective’ was much more damaging than the physical act of never having had sex.”

I cringe when I think about all the times I nodded and smiled knowingly when college friends talked about sex. At the age of 23, I believed I was the oldest living virgin and everyone around me was having fabulous sex with their devoted boyfriends. In retrospect, I’m sure many were as full of shit as I was.