Should We Really Settle?

Thank you for writing this article.  I appreciate your candor and your insight.  As a 29 year old single woman in the metropolitan Atlanta area, I actually feel like I am somewhere "in the middle" in terms of where I am in my life as compared to my friends.  Truth be told, most of my high school and college friends who I was close to have gotten married.  In those situations, I do sometimes feel left out when I attend "couples baby showers" and other related events.  However, I have also gotten involved with two churches in Atlanta that have reputations for strong singles programs, and I am realizing the truth in your statement: there are more people who are single into their thirties.  Honestly, I do not think this is a bad thing.  I think in your late twenties and early thirties, you have a better sense of who you are, and while you are not at the top of the rungs in your career, you are at least doing better in terms of knowing where you want to go.  I understand that there are potential fertility issues with waiting longer than some, but that doesn't usually take hold until the early forties, especially since women in my family tend to go through menopause late. 

I have debated over whether or not to buy "The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," but I don't think I'm going to.  Instead, I bough, "Be Honest, You're Not Really That Into Him Either."  Part of why I bought the second book is that I want to write a nonfiction book of a similar nature.  Partly, though, in spite of some who advise me otherwise, I do not like the concept of settling for someone who is only "good enough" in your mind.  I agree that it is important to be picky about the right things, and unfortunately, our society sometimes overemphasizes physical appearance when it comes to finding dating partners.  But I honestly believe that if you truly love someone, they are beautiful to you, even though they might not fit all of society's definitions of what "attractive" means.  So, I don't think you should "settle" for someone who you do not have good chemistry with because situations like that never seem to turn out well in the end.  Instead, I think one should be patient, get to know a lot of people, and give someone a chance before discounting them just because they don't fit every criterion on your "list." Chemistry is not the only factor in a relationship, but I do think it is an important one.  I think Chemistry goes beyond appearance, though; it encompasses whether your overall way of being and who you are correlates with the other person. 

 I also wanted to thank you for this article.  I read the original Lori Gottlieb article and I sort of laughed it off.  I don't know why anyone would want to marry a woman who thought she was "settling" for you.  But as the book and article got so much press, I found it frustrating how big the "single women are just too picky" myth was getting.  There are many reasons people don't marry.  Thanks for talking to single women about what we really want.

I wanted to add, though, that not every single person wants to stop being single.  Some of us are happy being single.  And for those of us who are, I don't think turning down a date for any reason is "too picky."  There's a big difference between holding out for a perfect fantasy partner while desperately wanting to couple up, and liking singlehood so much that you don't bother with dates that don't excite you for whatever reason.  It's strange how many people will admit to zany "lists" but how few will just say, "I like my solo life.  I like my family, my friends, my spiritual life, my solitude, my freedom, my work, my creativity, etc.  I'm living my happily ever after right now without a partner."  There's this assumption that everybody dreams of a monogamous partner and it's just not true.

I recommend "Singled Out" by Bella DePaulo for those happily single role models you mentioned that women didn't have.  I'm also going to check out your work.

~~When I was young, I wanted someone who looked like Brad Pitt....but now that I'm older, I realize that what is  internal is sooooooooooo much more important than the external.

In fact, it is sexy as hell for a man to be Smart, Funny, Shorter, Happy, did I say Smart?....and Somebody that "Really Gets Me!"

I'd rather be alone than with somebody that was hot.... but without Depth & Substance!  

Great Post.  ~~K.

After reading my  latest issue of skirt at my kitchen table, I wanted to offer a humble piece of my heart and thoughts on being a 29 yr old single woman in our generation. My experience is different from the  article's description of the stereo-typical, young woman who has a list of unrealistic requirements. I am real and honest enough to say I am recovering from a broken heart. I am open to marry and it has not been in the works for me despite three long term relationships under my belt at the present moment. I am a single mother and became pregnant in college when I was 20 yrs old. I chose to have the baby, not the relationship. My son's father was not emotionally available for me as we were not even sure of ourselves at that moment in our lives. We were engaged but the romance that once was fizzled as life and bills and a crying baby emerged. Hearts were broken and we parted ways when he was 14 months old. He rebounded and got another young woman pregnant and needless to say, God made it clear I was free to try again someday for the picture perfect family. I soldiered on and reconnected 1 yr after the split with a long time guy friend when his father passed. Having a child makes dating difficult to say the least, and I figured it was destiny, since he had been the guy my family encouraged me to date since I was 12 yrs old. He accepted me and my son and I trusted him only based on my middle school interactions with him. My adult relationship with him was not anything like Cinderella would have hoped for. He decided to have a chemical mistress, a substance abuse problem with prescription pain killers, and this resulted in me calling off our plans to spend happily ever after. I watched my friends get married, and ignored the advice of my so called friends who encouraged me to online date so I could find a husband before it was too late. So one fine day I meet the cell phone man. He was tall, handsome, in his late 30s, and a single parent. He was my soul mate, so I thought. I just gave him all the love that lived in my heart. I knew it was meant to be. The pieces of the puzzle were finally here, The man with a daughter meets the woman with a son who would blend to be the perfect family. Well, that was until he and his daughter couldn't allow me and my son into their close knit world. I became tossed to and fro in this unhealthy mess of his daughter rejecting me and my son. The man who promised it would be us growing old together would not allow our relationship to be the foundation upon which the children could learn from. He went to counseling with me one time. Then he decided it was best we part ways. He got a new girlfriend 2 months after my heart shattered into a million pieces again. I gave him 3 years of my life and all he could say was "we tried and it just won't work out". I found letters when I was moving out from the woman before me, who moved out because of the same old situation.  Therapy confirmed my resolution that this charming man is single for a reason. He chooses to be stagnant and the road I am going is far from that scary place. There are women around like me, who have loved and lost, who have much to offer, who just want to have mutual respect and companionship. I do not compare myself amongst others because my faith has brought me to a place where I have realized relationships teach you about yourself and each one of mine have given valuable life lessons that will prepare me for the next lesson. I am not afraid of leaving, I am afraid of staying stagnant. The lady who encourages young women to hurry and marry before her time runs out is in a dark place and that is her life experience as result of the fear of being alone. I have found that being alone allows an intimacy period with you and your creator, and that the time spent cultivating the relationship with God brings  true authentic love that manifests in multiple areas of your life. Areas that cannot and will never be filled by a marriage, children, or hot, passionate sex. I draw from a source that fills me up so full that I am experiencing love daily. I am thankful for the journey, and am certain that God is never in a hurry for me to marry just because I am going to "miss out". He is patient, merciful, and always on time. Boo on the author for telling lies to women and glorifying low self esteem! Women are the most powerful beings, and the love from within is rarely grasped because we run to others to fill us up. God is never in a hurry, but what I have learned is that he is always on time. I choose to love being where I am at this moment and may my voice be heard for women who have an acceptance of being grateful for the single gal experiences. I have loved 3 times and I am sure I will love some more!!!!!

with no doubt!