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viewsPlight of the All-Too-Polite
By Chris Kuhn, Wednesday, December 31, 2008, 10 comments
Most people who know me wouldn’t suspect it. I don’t usually talk about it. I’ve been in the closet about it for well over 15 years.
When I was 22, I had a whirlwind marriage. Not whirl-wind in the romantic “whisked me off my feet to Paris, ate cheese, drank wine and lived like a Bohemian” sense of the word. If we’re talking funnel clouds, plenty of devastation and wind damage, that’s a little more like it. A year later, thud. Divorce.
I attribute my early dalliance with divorce to a self-debilitating affliction that I, and many women suffer from (and I suspect even a few men out there). Politeness.
“I wouldn’t dream of cutting in line and ruining someone else’s chance for great seats.”
“I couldn’t take the last appetizer because that will leave the hostess with an empty tray.”
“I can’t possibly stop the wedding now. People have their airplane tickets.”
Okay, that last example may sound a bit extreme, but for the all-too-polite, it is yet another situation to confound. How does one tell their family the night before the wedding that the honeymoon’s over before the ceremony’s even occurred?
“Um, I know this is going to be a mistake. I’ve known for weeks this is going to be a mistake, maybe even months. But I haven’t been brave enough to do anything about it. I need to call off the wedding.”
I didn’t actually utter those words though I wish I had. I certainly recited them in my head numerous times. I told myself as so many women do, “Go along with everything as planned, it will get better, it’s just nerves, give it more time.” I had committed myself to making this relationship “official.” His staunch Republican ways no longer irritated me, though we disagreed on nearly every issue on the ballot. And I was sure I could get used to his affection for Civil War history and John Wayne movies, though I could do without his penchant for swimsuit issues, incessant spending and frequent unemployment. I’d gotten over it. Hadn’t I?
As someone prone to not finishing what I’ve started on more than a few occasions, I was determined to complete this mission. And for Pete’s sake, the personalized cocktail napkins had already been ordered. This wedding was happening!
So I finished what I started. And then 18 months later, I finished it again.
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10 Comments
Thanks for this essay,
Exactly!
I needed to read your essay
Glad I could help
Fantastic essay Chris
Thanks
Be selfish, damnit
You're my American Idol
The Polite Plague
I too have suffered from this plague. I find the plague tends to be worse with southern women who were raised to be genteel Southern Belles, but it afflicts other women too. Many are the times I acquiesced so that someone else did not suffer a loss of some kind.
I am trying to use these experiences in a more constructive way. I see them as learning experiences. I know I would not have met my husband if a bizarre series of circumstances had not transpired, including taking a job I should not have but was too "polite" to reject the job offer.
You never learn as much from a success as you do from a failure. There is nothing wrong with being polite so long as you assert yourself when it is necessary to protect yourself, or a loved one.
Being my mother's legal guardian has taught me a lot about being polite and being assertive. I find you get far more cooperation with doctors, social workers, beaurocrats, etc., when you observe social graces with them, and assert yourself at appropriate times, than if you go to meetings with them with "guns blazing." Plus, I am learning to say NO much more readily as a means of self preservation (and out of exhaustion). It's not easy for a reforming overly polite person, but it can be done. ~SRHanson
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