The Other Woman

 As the daughter of a home recently fractured by adultery, this was an interesting perspective from the eyes of, what I call in my story, the mistress. The hardest part was learning that my father wasn't the kind of person I thought I knew him to be. In their case, I still don't know exactly why it came about, but she's used the term "soul mate" too. That's a little hard to digest, and I can only assume that the circumstances were different in your case, but thank you for sharing your side of your story. It helps me to try to be a little more forgiving.

great read! I know a lot of couples who stay together for convenience only. Life's too short for that nonsense.

I agree, Dot, life is too short and I am a firm believer in "if at first you don't succeed try again, and again, and again..............."

No, no, no. Glad you are happy but who was the bigger coward, you or your husband? Ever heard of walk away and tell him to come back when he's free?? You started your relationship on someone elses' pain. Being happy now does not make that okay.

I am 27 years old, and I found out 2 months ago that my husband of 5 years had an affair with a good friend of mine (who also has a live-in boyfriend) for a total of one month.  My world has been completely flipped upside down.  My friends and family are in complete shock because we are an incredibly happy and affectionate couple.  My husband is in devastation over what he has done to us, and we both cry a lot.  It had nothing to do with love or soul mates.  Adultery is the ultimate betrayal, and there are days I wonder if I'll ever heal from this.  Fifty percent of marriages go through affairs (I didn't know this until I was sitting in the counselor's office after I first found out) so to write an article about the bliss resulting from an affair is incredibly painful for those of us who have experienced it first-hand.

This story is one that needs to be said out loud. As women we find ourselves in many sticky situations. Many "other" women do not seek for the title or wear it proud. For whatever reason things happen and it is hard on both sides. I to was the other woman and the connection started way before there was anything intimate. I can say it was hard. It destroyed our families and we never intended to do that. We are now married and I am the happiest I have ever been. I use to feel ashamed and embrassed to say that but I am. Both sides have a hard time dealing with the realities in life and nothing is ever perfect but I made it through and I am glad that Tammie had the guts to say it loud.

Interesting piece and a good perspective. It is so easy for people to judge others but this helped to give light to the other side of the adultery side.

This really spoke to me.

 

Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't. -- Eleanor Roosevelt 

mary

"I occasionally have doubts that he’ll do the same to me or that he’ll regret turning his back on his old life. But he swears with a sincere conviction that neither of these things will ever happen."

Well, this says it all to me. Thank you for sharing your story, and you are very lucky that it all worked out for you. But I am of the belief that "true" love is not the focus here. It is about character and integrity, two things that don't seem to matter anymore.

You have doubts because the both of you comprised your integrity by allowing the affair to go on as long as it did. Judge you I will not. But I think you and your lover definitely had another option.

My husband and I have made a pact: completely openness and honest about any unhappiness in the marriage, and if it can't be resolved then we will end the relationship so a new, healthier one can take its place. I've had chances to cheat. I've had crushes. But I also know that I would feel like complete shit if I cheated on my life partner when I had a chance to show him respect and keep my integrity.

Overlapping relationships, lying, cheating, sneaking around - this all creates very negative energy, and is a bad example to children if they happen to be stuck in the middle.

We make the rules; we are not prisoners of them.

Good luck, girl. I hope your relationship strengthens enough that "doubts" will be replaced with "openness" and "honesty".

Christopher Fry was exactly right. "We are elected into love," he wrote. We don't choose it or make it happen. It comes to us like grace.

My life was changed forever by my love for a married man. It didn't turn out well for me. But I have no regrets. Making judgements of any kind is pointless and boring, it seems to me. The great thing is to become aware of what we are, and what this experience of being alive is really like.

By your own admission, you already know your story if rife with all of the cliches and predictable doubts of every "other woman" story out there, so I won't lecture you. But really, honey, even if you accept at face value your husband's declarations of love and "soul mate" fidelity, don't kid yourself. Having seen too many women in your exact same situation, I can tell you that just because you got what you think you wanted, don't think you can sit back & rest easy. Why? Because God don't like ugly, karma is a mothaf-cka, and your day will come. Trust me on that one.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's brave and powerful, and I thank you for it. And I wish you all the happiness we all deserve.

Sometimes, just sometimes, the dirty mistress gets to win. And for all of us Meredith Grey's out there, how sweet it is. Having been the "other" woman and having lost the man I believed (believe) to be my soul mate, I'm happy for the both of you. No, adultary isn't right, or moral, and it shouldn't be encouraged. But better that than to live our lives trapped in a never ending lie. You altered the ending and have a chance at true happiness. Don't blow it! :)

Wow! How could you!! I have just found out via my children that my husband is having an affair and he confirmed it via a text message to me. 20 years of marriage down the drain for lies, sneeking, dishonest people in "Love" Give me a break... If my husbund hadn't been a coward or his mistress so screwed up to go after married man... Whatever happened to morals and honesty? If he had just talked with me an let me know he was unhappy a separation would have helped. The rules are broken and so is my family life all for two idiots who can't keep there hands off each other..

I think everyone is looking for a soul mate, someone who finishes eachothers sentences, someone who has everything in common, full of intimacy and passion.  I'm sure nobody "really" wants to be the other woman or man.  But I appreciate your view.  My twin sister has been the "other" woman many many times and yes, I  believe Karma hasn't treated her very well in the relationship department.  But I do not blame the other woman. I would blame my partner for allowing that kind of intimacy to even begin.  I believe fidelity and honesty is a choice.  We all have the opportunity to cheat.  Even really cool people that we have everything (it seems) in common with; or that physical chemical attraction that is undeniable.  Its up to you to say no.  To value your family or your wife/husband/partner enough to not go there.  Again, I guess it goes back to how they feel about their relationship and how much they love their partner.  So as much as I would never allow myself to fall for someone in a relationship, I don't blame you. If it were me....I would blame my partner.  I hope you two hold eachother high and respect this relationship forever. 

Melissa Breeland

I'm on Twitter @MELMAVEN

I agree that nobody should remain in an unhappy marriage, but I think it's only fair that this unhappiness be discussed with your partner before the flirtations begin.  It's too easy to get swept away by the flirting and extra attention of "the other woman/man", especially when the money is tight, the babies are crying, the in-laws are yapping.  But, these are normal side effects of life.  A commitment was made and then broken.  I blame the cheating spouse for making the decision to disrespect his family, but I also blame the "other woman" for not respecting his marriage and family.  Their friendship was inappropriate from the beginning if they were spending that much time together.  Any friendship that has to be hidden from your spouse is inappropriate.  This is a quote from a very close friend that has recently broken up a marriage  and now thinks that she found her soulmate: "Most of the time, when I befriend a married man, my intentions are not good".  Another quote from her: "I wish I still had the power to break up a marriage like I did when I was 22".  Well, she finally succeeded.  I supported her when her husband cheated multiple times in her social circle, and she then supported me through my divorce.  She made a decision to have sex with a married man, and then decided he was her soulmate, and then he left his wife for her.  I wish them the best, but I can no longer be friends with her.

Oh your story is so wonderful! I’m so happy for you! Now you can take a walk in his wife’s shoes! Tell me how you like the fit!

I'm happy that it went well with you and your husband, without causing to much pain and heartbreak to the former wife. God indeed has plans for you and him. May He continue to shower you with so much love and blessings. As for your doubt, just give it all to the Lord and hold on to His promises, as well as to the promise of your husband. 

Keeping you in my prayers!