Got Community?

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I gave birth to our son last year when my husband and I were living in Germany. For two weeks we had a blissful time learning to parent, eating my mother’s home-cooked meals and visiting with excited friends. Then my parents left, my husband returned to work and our friends stopped dropping by. I was alone with our son – very alone. We lived in a farming village surrounded by woods, cabbage fields and­ neighbors who felt that a nod and a grunt constituted conversation. My job had been in the city, 40 minutes away, where all our friends lived and where our sports team held weekly practices. Pre-baby, it wasn’t a big deal to hop in the car and drive an hour for a dinner party or a football game. But now the baby had to nurse every two to three hours, and when he wasn’t eating, he was sleeping or pooping. Suddenly a two-hour round trip became a daunting proposition. As I wore circles in the carpet trying to coax my son to sleep, I had a lot of time to think. I realized just how important it for women, and especially for mothers, to belong to a community of other women.

Scientists have proven what most of us know intuitively, that social networks are essential for women’s well-being. From Pride and Prejudice and Little Women to Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives, the message remains consistent through the years: we women need our posses. But they’re not always easy to find. For our mothers and grandmothers, joining a community of women was as easy as talking to the neighbors or going to church. Community grew organically out of everyday life. But women’s lives have changed, and now we’re moving at the speed of DSL. We’re more active than ever – we work long hours, we raise our children, we move around, all while trying to squeeze relationships, exercise and a somewhat healthy diet into our scant free time. On top of all that, our towns have also changed. Many of us live in “bedroom communities” – suburbs or developments where there are no stores, restaurants or public places to run into people or meet as a group. It seems like the ready-made communities that embraced earlier generations of women no longer exist. The challenge is at once very basic and very 21st century: how do we find each other?