Four Birds

Magnify

Meg and I are watching a nature program. They’re showing male birds of different species, all working hard in their various ways to woo females. Meg and I are assessing their performances. We’re looking for the most attractive male bird - the one we’d allow to mate with us. If we were birds.

“Ooo, that’s my guy,” Meg says approvingly, watching a flamboyant red and black bird from the tropical rainforest. “I like his moves.”

The bird’s iridescent crest flicks erect. His blue feet whirl in an elaborate dance.

“You think he’s sexy?” I ask.

“Oh, yes.”

The bird puffs his neck out and runs in a circle.

“He’s a spazz,” I say. “Plus he’s in love with himself.”

The bird does a sort of Martha Graham-esque head isolation. Sure, he’s a good dancer. But he’s working it so hard, he’s probably totally oblivious to everything around him. I bet if a python were to sidle up to him right now, he wouldn’t even see it. He’d end up as a mouthful of testosterone-infused lunch-meat.

And what if the female bird gets attacked? He’s in such a disco trance, he probably wouldn’t notice. “The female could completely disappear from the face of the earth. As long as this guy has someone to watch him and applaud, he doesn’t care who it is.”

I’m getting all huffy. Meg gives me a look.

“And what if you decide you want to start dancing?” I argue. “I bet he wouldn’t support you at all. He’d be like, ‘How dare you try to compete with me? This is my spotlight!’”

“I see your point,” Meg says. “Okay, forget him.”

The next one is totally different - a modest-looking little brown bird who woos his mate by building her a huge, elaborately decorated nest. We watch as he puts the finishing touches on his creation, adorning it here and there with tasteful bunches of flowers. He adds a lacy fern, then a shiny battery swiped from the camera crew who are filming him. Finally he stands back and invites the female to assess his work.

“Awwwww!” Meg and I cry in unison. The effort this guy puts into the nest! His lovely taste! His urge to clean and decorate! The way he cares about the female’s opinion, but doesn’t try to bully her into anything!

We agree that we are both in love with this bird.