What's the answer?

I sunk into cleaning today, boycotting work, knowing I will make it up this long weekend so not feeling too guilty. The work with my body: sorting stacks, making new stacks, cleaning dishes, and vacuuming allowed my mind to wander, searching for answers or at least asking lots of questions in the space of my brain. Questions about what the future holds, how the world will unfold, what living a good life really means.

I thought I would be married, and have children and own a home with a good job. I thought I would live the American Dream, but I haven’t I made choices from a young age that challenged that possibility. And here I am with a different life then I ever expected.

Now I am wondering what the purpose of life is, and pondering if it is to help others, to reach out and connect to other humans, and care for the plants and animals of this world. If not this, then what? If this, then how do we best do this? My mind won’t stop spinning, with nagging voices of guilt, wondering if I will be able to ever have a healthy relationship that benefits both myself and the other. How do we come closer to the answers to these questions, how do you grab on and believe again when trust and life has been shattered?

Well, I don’t have the answers but my apartment is much cleaner!