I know I started off this year embracing the words “Fresh Start” and I am still completely in love with this concept. And so far it seems in many ways this year is moving in the direction of a “Fresh Start” however, I also find myself saying over and over in my head “NO FEAR.” I can hear these words tumbling over each other again and again as cling to them speeding down the five lane highway at 70 miles an hour, switching lanes in dark long tunnels, taking overpasses that are towers of concrete high in the sky, driving through the city. I really hate to drive, I have a great fear of driving on big roads, through cities, at fast passes. I prefer small quiet country roads with curves and trees. I don’t like big tucks and high rises, I am nature girl at heart and the sounds of the city while momentarily intriguing do not give me strength but rather drain me. I don’t usually drive when DH and I are out together, he does. In fact in the last week I think I have driven DH more then I have the entire time we have known each other. Right now it really isn’t safe for him to drive with the stuff that is going on. So we are speeding down the highway with me behind the wheel.<!--StartFragment-->

 “NO FEAR,” I say in my mind again as the doctor goes over the procedure he is going to try on DH, telling me signs to watch out for, asking me questions, telling us he will be on call this weekend if we have any concerns. I pick up another card from his plane plastic cardholder and stick in my purse. I look over at his bike propped in the corner of his office, and I scan the layers of articles he has pinned and taped to the walls, if I squint I can even almost make out the picture of him, his wife and child. I wonder who he really is, what is his life like when he leaves this office? He wears a blue ironed shirt, kaki pants with a fanny pack strapped on to his right side, he looks a little nerdy, but also almost like a high school jock all grown up. He is an army man. He is a neurologist, he seems to care, and I am trying to trust him. I think I do.

 “NO FEAR” I tell myself, when DH reaches out his hand to grab a hold of me as dizziness seizes his body. I am scared but I am trying to put on a calm face, yet I know anyone looking can see worry rimming my face, seeping from my eyes. There is also frustration, stress, annoyance and fear that has taken up residence behind my cheekbones, in my eyebrows, even my eyes seem to be colored differently showing signs of emotion. The strain of all the multiples right now, the unknowns, the joy and excitement of change (I will tell you at the end of the month details are still being finished) has left me feeling hallow. I realize I need to try to take care of myself better, but I am not even sure how or what to do.  

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