Hello, its been awhile

It has been so long since I have written. I lost my center of gravity and I have been spinning like a wobbly top but I am still spinning somehow miraculously, and so I feel I need to come back to the page to see if through the stringing together of words I find my center of balance again, I only hope that you will consider joining me.

Now that I have said that I have to think of something wise and wonderful to write, something that will keep you wanting to come back to read more, something that you, my reader can identify with. You see though, while I have the desire to write, I have the feeling I should, when I look within I am empty. I can spin out a grant or a business letter when the demand arises (usually more often then I would like) but to put those words that are swirling in my mind on paper, that is hard. It is terrifying actually.

August 24th I left my husband of 9 years. It was the hardest thing I have done to date in my life. Between then and now I lost 15lbs and have had to buy an entirely new wardrobe because nothing I had even came close to fitting, I got contacts, starting hiking, and with the help of a friend am building my own furniture after getting rid of the stuff I had. My life looks different and feels different and I am struggling to find my way in it. I wrote on October 10th in my journal, “I have lost sight of my future.” Having always been a future and goal oriented person, this realization we particularly disturbing but also an accurate observation of my inner swirl and my outer actions of simply getting through the day.

On August 24th I took an auction and didn’t think about the consequences because I couldn’t. After asking for a friends support (which later backfired but in the process I found another dear friend) I made the most difficult call I could, one which ended with me saying no I am not coming home tonight, I am sorry and me hanging up the phone. His voice and pleading still echoes in my ears and while I write my heart tightens and my eyes spill over with tears. Since that day I can’t seem to think beyond right now today. I can’t plan what I am going to do for Christmas or for my birthday next year.I can’t think about what I would like to do with my life, I can’t seem to even set small goals, I have as I said, lost sight of my future. Future has become what will dinner be tonight.

I am not sure what I can offer in my writing but I know that I need you, I need you to listen, I need your comments and I am terrible at asking for this, but I am learning that sometimes we have to ask for help, for support and I am asking you now. What are your stories, and your suggestions?