MICROSKIRTS
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By elaynaalexandra, Thursday, May 6, 2010, 1 commentsI am on the edge. The edge of an end and a beginning, so much is starting and stopping in these next few weeks and months I can hardly keep pace with myself. I feel like I have moved out of my body and I am drifting just above it all, observing from a far. When I fall into life, for a moment I have a brief freak out. What was thinking; moving in the middle of my last class of graduate school, taking a new freaking job while my husband’s health wobbles? What was I thinking having this all happen and convene over a week or two of life, how was this a good idea? Then I drift away again, probably to protect my weakened psychic state. I use routines to keep me on track, get up go to work, eat lunch, come home eventually eat dinner, do homework go to sleep. And then I quit work so that I can pack and move and take a new job and routines go flying out the window. Life becomes a jumble of pieces and movements and nothing happens when I think it should.
I am learning to let go of expectations, work on being in the now trying to not spend too much time in the past or the future. My body is in this present so shouldn’t my mind be here as well? It seems sort of self-preserving to keep my mind and body connected at least at this fractured state of life. So I am here, hammering out the keys on the key board, in a dark room, stacked with boxes, boxes of my most prized possessions: books. I can’t wait to get to what has been dubbed “the other side” just so I can unpack my books so I can see their colors, words, pictures. I miss them even though they are right here they are caged and inaccessible. I am right here right now, there is humming, there is stillness and there is cold around my ankles and my knees and for a moment I slip into the future and acknowledge the cold I feel now is nothing in comparison to the place I am moving. Amazing that 2.5 hours could change so much. 2.5 hours will utterly transform this now to something I have never experienced before and it is exhilarating and frightening to be moving and know I will never be able to really look back.
I wrote this before my move and never had time to post it. For more current writing visit my website where I am discussing the idea of starting a new art project and the fear around new beginings.
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1 Comments
Elayna- I am glad you posted
Elayna- I am glad you posted this. It is excellent. Wow, you so vividly and articulately capture that state of being overwhelmed. I haven't had time to check out your blog- but look forward to it. I hope life is better, now.
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