it's a new dawn. it's a new day. and i'm feeling good.

Here’s what I didn’t know on December 31, 2009 at 11:59 pm:

That I would drop 50 pounds.
That I would love working out.
That I would write a blog.
That my relationship with Peter would get worse.
That my relationship with Dash would get better.
That my sister would break my heart, then put it back together again.
That I would lose John.
That I would find Sam.

Here’s what I heard this year:

You have an awesome heart.
You have a mustache.
You’re a great writer.
I love you.
You’re a great mom.
You’re selfish.
You’re broke.
Nice ass.
Have you tried sit ups?
Mama, I’m an inventor… A magician… A mad scientist…
He wasn’t right for you.
Give him a chance.
Close your eyes, baby, and rest.
Open your eyes, baby, the world is yours.
Maybe you should get a job.
Stop being so hard on yourself.
Mama, cookies are too breakfast.
Did he call?
I love you.
Why sailing?
How’s the script coming?
Do you know what you’re gonna order?
Do you know what you want?
Stop apologizing for what you want.
Mama, will you play with me? Make me a snack? Read me a story? Buy me an ice cream? Bring me a toy?
Why are your license plates on the kitchen counter?
You'll be beautiful until the day you die... as long as you die this week (Sam making me laugh until I almost peed my pants.)
You just have to apply yourself.
What’s the deal with the guns?
I love you.
Mama, artistic expression is when you paint slow.
Are you gonna finish that?
No worries at all, you got this, boo. (Lucky being a bad ass cheerleader.)
You’re too trusting.
Maybe you should stop being so protective and trust a little more.
Where do you keep the flour? Salt? Coffee? Vodka?
Please come for a visit.
Would you like batteries with that?
I never said for sure I was coming back.
Why couldn’t you wait a little longer?
Your love life is my cardio (Shauna saying one of my favorite lines of the year.)
I love you.
You make me so mad sometimes.
You’re not a saint, ya know.
You’re really, really nice.
Mama, French fries aren’t good for the soul.
Stay.
Maybe it’s time to go.
You’re so funny.
Shouldn’t you be writing?
Good morning, Mama!
I love you.

Here’s what I saw this year:

Dash.
Rainbows over the hills of Petaluma.
Rainbows over the hills of Silverlake.
A dragon parade.
Two tattooed lovers taking turns shooting rifles.
Strangers being exceptionally kind to each other.
Gray hair.
Dash squeezing his teddy and shouting, “I just love him so much!”
A flock of seagulls worried about a fallen comrade.
Baby seals swimming next to the sailboat, grinning ear to ear.
A carousel.
Everyone getting older and lovelier.
An ER room I never want to see again.
My hip bones.
Highway 5.
My parents kissing in the kitchen.
Lots of Chinese people doing cool, Chinese things.
The Avett Brothers.
Marinonettes at the Getty.
Beethoven at the Geffen.
The Broad Collection.
Two good movies.
A beautiful man asleep in my bed.
Dash being brave at the dentist.
Dash being silly at home.
Big dinners and happy eaters.
Three Quinceaneras.
Two old ladies fighting.
One good looking homeless guy.
Dew, moss, ferns, and a couple of baby snails at the trailhead.
Myself in the mirror, almost unrecognizable.
Every dream I wanted morphing into the dream I needed.

Here’s what I learned this year:

When someone tells you who they are, you should listen and believe them.

When you tell someone who you are, you should tell the truth.

I really like Spanish, especially when it’s whispered.

If you don’t practice your sailing knots, you forget them and now I can barely remember how to tie Dash’s shoes.

No one laughs harder than people who are living on the edge.

My sister has great shoulders upon which to cry.

My friends are the most spectacular people on earth.

Love is ALL it is about.

Everyone has a really good story to tell.

Riding on the back of an ATV, while it’s tearing through the forest, makes me scream with delight.

Butterflies in your stomach are always a good thing.

Aerial trams are not for me.

I prefer going INTO the bank cause knowing the tellers by name makes me feel connected somehow (plus they give Dash lollipops.)

My car can’t define me cause it’s a car. It doesn’t speak.

Sunsets never get boring.

Long hugs from strong men make my knees wobbly.

Jogging in the rain, while a tad dramatic, fixes most everything.

Primal screams delivered on the edge of the Mendocino cliffs, while also a tad dramatic, fix most everything.

Good neighbors make all the difference.

Listening is better than talking (maybe next year.)

Hot baths always make me happy.

If there is a GOD, he lives at the beach.

There is no bad kiss – slow, deep, or quick – I’m a fan of the whole enterprise.

Fireplaces are very, very nice to have.

Being alone is sometimes lonely but not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.

I don't know what, but something is looking after me while I look after Dash.

2010, what a little minx you turned out to be. Lovely, lyrical and so full of promise some days but a straight up bitch with a score to settle on others. I am slightly bruised but I’m still here and I still laugh every single day. Now, I look towards 2011 with bated breath for what’s around the bend because, as hard as some of this year was, every time I was brave enough to turn a new corner, magic and wonder were waiting there, saying, "Where the hell have you been?"

I wish you all sweet reflection on what has already come to pass and great joy for the year ahead. Some of us are white knuckling it to the New Year and some will be sad to see the last one go but, no matter what, we are ever onwards and upwards and that’s one of my favorite things about us.