the darwin awards.

A few weeks ago, America was subjected to another beauty pageant. I’m not sure what these events are supposed to be about but to me they’re just a clarion call that summer has arrived and, like hot dogs and the beach, they tell us that the time for serious thought has been suspended. It’ll be cotton candy and romance novels until the chill returns and thinking can re-commence. In truth, I’m kind of fine with that. Sometimes my head hurts from all the thinking so I welcome any break in the festivities.

That said, each year the pageants offer us a particularly terrifying contestant (Anita Bryant back in the day and Carrie Prejean in recent memory) and this year was no different. All fifty states (plus our red-headed step child, the District of Columbia) offered up their finest, impossibly thin citizens and, alarmingly, they had banded together on one topic: evolution.

Of the fifty-one ladies, only two believed evolution should be taught in school. The rest felt either it should be taught alongside Creationism or, clutch your pearls, didn’t believe in evolution at all. My favoritist was Miss Kentucky who said she didn’t think it was a good idea to teach young un’s about evolution because, “scientists have their different theories.” Um, no. They don’t.

A couple days after the pageant, I had a beer with my neighbor, Dean. We sat in the garden and he told me that he believes, “God had a hand in it, somehow.” I was surprised to hear this cause he’s a down-to-earth kind of guy but listening to him sincerely ask his questions about exactly how evolution was possible, I realized I didn’t know nearly enough about the topic so I got to work, Wikipedia-style, and that’s when I met “Lucy.”

Lucy, looking every minute of her 3.2 million years, has been touted as our missing link since she was discovered in1974. Her remains gave scientists the proof and gave churches the sads. It was an exciting time. Until, someone discovered Lucy’s older sister, Ardi. Clocking in at 4.4 million years, Ardi is the new cause celebre in the evolution debate.

I read all about these discoveries, threw in some Darwin research for good measure, and came up with my hypothesis: I dunno know. Basically, I believe that we evolved from the apes because that just makes more sense to me. But I used to believe in a white haired, robe-y, pissed off God so I don’t think I can be trusted. I mean, I also used to believe that my skin was gonna clear up after high school so, you know, me and my “theories.”

I went to bed the night after my evolulapalooza and thought about something I’d read about Ardi. It seems that the scientists now believe (and she somehow proves) that the reason we went from four legs to two is… sex. If a male wanted to bed a female, he would have to bring her gifts (I’m thinking something in the berries, palm fronds family) but a problem persisted. By the time he got to her, the offerings were all crushed and mangled from the journey.

So the male learned to walk upright in order to deliver the goodies in good shape and get his freak on. I liked this – it scanned with my experience of us humans but it’s hard to put decades of Catholic brainwashing away. Plus, I liked the way Dean’s questions had me think about what was possible. I went to sleep surprisingly unsure of my position.

When I woke up, I heard from one of my formerly gift-bearing “males.” I’ve had three co-stars during the last two years: Peter, John and Sam, and now I was on the phone with one of them and he was crying. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know who else to call.”

Before this phone call, and for months and months, whenever my girlfriends and I got more than two drinks in us we would plan the downfall of this male and cackle with delight. We would shout, “Karma’s a bitch with a long memory.” We would salivate at the thought of getting him back for his perceived (and sometimes very real) shenanigans. I couldn’t wait for the moment to be a cold ass fish. Couldn’t wait to say, “I told you so.”

Back on the call, I listened to him tell his story – a legitimately sad tale - and found myself feeling sorry for the guy. I had waited so long to feast on his suffering but the truth is, it was just empty calories. I decided to be there for him, instead. I decided to tell him I loved him and that everything would work out. I decided to be his friend, no matter what. Schadenfreude has its place but is decidedly quadrupedal and I like standing up straight. He can still be one of the world’s biggest assholes and I knew I’d probably hate him again soon but everything about the call suggested progress.

Later, I saw Dean working in his yard and went to tell him about what I had learned from my research in the field. “It isn’t Lucy or Ardi,” I said. “It’s me. I’m the missing link.” I am proof of evolution. The only proof I’ll ever need that we started one place and toddle, double back and gallop towards the next.